Still Dreaming

New Years Resolutions

2012-01-02T23:52:00.000-08:00

This year I will...

Get my sexy back...physically and mentally....

Go hiking more often....

Die my hair a super bright fun color...

Bake A LOT!

Run a 5k...

Continue to be super crafty...

Work on getting organized...that way we have time to do the REALLY fun things...

FAMILY BIKE RIDES...wOoT WoOt!

Blog more...

This year is going to be really great! I am excited to be back to my old self and all of the new adventures I get to have with my boys. ;-)

Poppy Dresser

2011-08-21T12:29:00.000-07:00

I am very proud of myself. I did a DIY Dresser project yesterday. It was fantastic. So much easier than I thought that it was going to be. I am so obsessed right now with furniture. Finding good deals...creating good deals and turning something...plain into something I love to look at. Last weekend I bought this small end table for our living room at a yardsale for $15..

Before

After Spray painting

Megan and Hurley say HELLO!

ugh that glare!

Of course chalkboard on top. Do you love my $5 lamp?

So anywho...all this refurbishing has got me thinking that I just might have a gift. =-)

So here is the dresser before:

sorry for the glare...photography is not my specialty. =-)

I paid $65 for this vintage dresser. I love the legs and the boxy lines. The handles are all original and in pretty good shape. I went to home depot and spent about $20 on paint and supplies...however I should note that I used those supplies for the nightstands I redid as well.

Here they are before and after:

Night Stands before...(x2)

Night Stand After (x2) =-)

I also got that lamp and another matching one for $2 from a garage sale. The shades were $3 each at a thrift store. =-)

So anyways...back to the dresser.... the first thing that I got to do was sand this beast down...

Sanding is a pain in the butt! But I was so suprised after getting rid of the gloss how beautiful the grain of this wood was! I almost felt bad for painting it. But not bad enough! =-)

Next came the primer...I was a good girl and tested a small section first. =-)

And then of course painting once the primer was done drying...

My tiny apartment porch was just barely big enough for this project. My oh my do I need a garage or what!

So while the paint dried I got the hardware ready. It had a really ugly orangy-copperish varnish on it that I didn't like AT ALL...also they were in pretty rough shape as you can see.

I cannot find the website I found this concoction on so please know I am NOT taking credit for it. I mixed together flour and white vinegar and covered the hardware in it (after I scrubbed them of course)

Then I laid the hardware out to dry and harden. Once it was done it was so cool the orange varnish just peeled right off. It took quite a few hours to get them dry enough but it was a cool process.

By the time the hardware was done drying the dresser was as well so we put it back together and we got ready for my favorite part! =-) I bought some decals on ebay for about $5 (free shipping) you can see those below...

So I eyed the dresser and decided how I would place the poppies...

I enjoyed a nice beverage while doing this....=-)

And I had a visitor creeping around in the box. Say hello to Hurley. He crawled right into that box. My husband is a genius by the way he put the legs of the dresser on top of the that box standing straight up so I could paint them easily. (He is so crafty...)

I love the way the decals turned out. Now the quality of these stickers is not as good as I expected. I will probably end up painting the front of my drawers with a clear coat or perhaps even some mod podge so that they don't peel off in the future.

This mirror was the inspiration for my dresser. =-) I drew those poppies myself. and from there decided I wanted our other furniture to match.

So the last step was to add the hardware and then we were done! =)

I love the rustic look of the hardware after removing the hideous orangey color.

So there you have it! I now have furniture in my bedroom for the first time ever that matches! =)

Charm Bracelet ♥

2011-08-04T22:47:00.000-07:00

I am sure I am not the first person to do this however I am very pleased with myself. I have always wanted a charm bracelet and have just never gotten one. Tonight as I was going through some Jewelry I found a lot of necklaces and earrings that were broken or I didn't wear anymore but I kept them because I liked the charms too much to throw them away. And then it hit me! I can make my own charm bracelet.

Here are all of my lovely charms.

I used these tools...

Basically I just clipped the various charms free and then I got an old necklace and cut it down to be a bracelet. Then I put them all onto the bracelet.

Woot woot!

So yes I am a horrible blogfriend. Sorry guys! I just haven't found the motivation recently. I do want to tell you all that I just had the BEST weekend last weekend. Billy and I got to Life Mastery- it is just the greatest 2 and a half day course ever! I work for a company that puts on Leadership, and Organizational development classes and Life Mastery is one of them. We got to go to San Diego and it was beautiful and fun and we were just like two young kids in love. In the class we got to basically plan out the next 5 years of our lives but not just that--- we got to figure out what our IDEAL LIFESTYLE is and then figure out how to obtain it. Put it out there into the universe to get it! I love shit like that so it was right up my ally. There is a final process too that just anchors everything in beautifully and I could just never explain it. But that picture below where we are holding the steel? Um yeah we bent that shit up! woot woot! Here are a couple pics- I WILL be back soon to blog about life and some of my recent projects and what nots.

Yep...we just might be the luckiest people alive. ♥

Sitting...waiting...wishing...

2011-06-27T21:20:00.000-07:00

So I have big news that really isn't so big. Or really news for that matter...

Billy and I want to move to Michigan! OK so of course that is common knowledge we have wanted to move there pretty much since we got married. However....we have no luck in the job market. I guess they just don't need Locksmiths there like we do here. =-(

So in the mean time while we look for job opportunities we have decided to make some sacrifices and save the money needed to get there as quickly as possible. Because truth be told if a job opened up tomorrow we would not be ready. This is all well and good but the one thing that I am stuck on is budgeting...sticking to a budget...figuring out where our money goes...being frugal. It takes so much freakin effort! I have gotten to the point where I know how much we spend on fixed expenses each month but after that I am stuck it seems like we should have soooo much extra money to save. But usually we end up broke a few days before our next pay day. How do I create a plan for us to stick to that will actually help? How do I figure out how to plan for those little unexpected expenses that pop all the time? If you can't tell...this is my cry for HELP!

It all seems so hard...listen to me! Such a complainer. But really any advice you can give would be much appreciated. I am just stuck. So stuck!

The other thing that makes me laugh about this whole situation is how responsible we are being about this. So many times we just laugh and say Let's just go! Let's just break our lease and take off! Forget the consequences. We'll quit our jobs and take off! Woo hoo!

Then we always look at our beautiful little boy and say...no. We can't do that. I am telling you though I was much more cool and reckless when I was younger...hehehe. Not these days. These days my husband and my boy help me keep my feet on the ground. Which is a good thing.

So here I am sitting...waiting...and wishing for the day that we can finally pack our bags and move to a better place.... ♥

Arts and Crafts and Flea Market Finds

2011-06-21T13:24:00.000-07:00

I have seriously been crafting up a storm! I have so many projects and different ideas going on in my head. It is almost like crack. I am constantly thinking...oooo I could totally make that....I have no idea where all of this energy came from but I like it! And my home is definitly benefitting from my addiction to all things DIY and crafty.

My husband will routinely ask me what I am doing as I run around the house like a mad woman grabbing my hot glue gun or searching cragislist and thrift stores for good deals and my answer is always the same. "Arts and Crafts." It's like I am 10 again and I just got a bright and shiny Lisa Frank color in folder!

So...I thought I would do a quick update of some finished projects and also some 'works in progress.'

enjoy...♥

Magnet- Make Up -Board

Inspiration:

Source: makingtheworldcuter.blogspot.com via Chelsee on Pinterest

50 cent frame from the DI (thrift store)

Then I went and bought some sheet metal from Home Depot and spray painted the frame. I did have to go to my ol' dad to have him cut the metal down to the right size with his 'tin snips'. I learned all about that fancy little tool.

There you have it! My Magnet- Make Up- Board...I am still looking for a small can or pill bottle to attach to it for brushes and mascara. But I do love it! Hopefully it will inspire me to wear more make up and have fun with it!

Recipe Box-

This little treasure was $1.00 at the DI (thrift store). I forgot to take a before pic sorry! The paint job wasn't so bad but I wanted something a little brighter and more my style. So I painted it and Mod Podged the paper onto it! =)

Picture Frames-

All in all I have probably spent about $20 over the last two weeks on picture frames from the thrift store. It is amazing. I got all four of the red frames below...we got a new TV stand and I needed a place for the pics that used to hang behind where the TV stand is now...so I went and got new ones! ♥

I am also working on a picture collage above our couch. Right now some of the frames are empty because I am just working on placement. I will update when I have it all done. It looks a little incomplete right now...I spray painted all of these frames with the exception of the 2 on the far left so they were all either black or red.

Here is my photo collage inspiration! =)

Source: laurawinslowphotography.com via Chelsee on Pinterest

Source: apartmenttherapy.com via Chelsee on Pinterest

Clicker Box-

Inspiration for Clicker Box-

Source: bhg.com via Chelsee on Pinterest

I believe I spent 50 cents on this little box from the DI (thrift store) and as you can see I spray painted it red to match the frames on the walls in my living room and so it will stand out when we secure it to the TV stand.

Which actually that was a steal as well! I got this TV stand for $25! It needs some paint touch ups but was totally worth it!

Chalkboard/Cork Board for Refrigerator-

I got this cute little cork board from the DI (thrift store) for 50 cents..it was a cherry wood color with a lot of scratches on it and such. The chalk board and cork board parts were falling out as well. So I removed them completely and spray painted the frame this pretty blue...Then when I was about to get out the wood glue to put the chalk board and cork board parts back in the frame it hit me! I could attached them with hot glue with magnets! And now this cute little number hangs on my fridge for coupon hanging and love notes to my Mr!

Children's Chalkboard-

Inspiration-

Source: rufflesandstuff.com via Katie on Pinterest

I decided to get a large used frame it was $4! Then I spray painted chalkboard paint and painted the edges differend colors. It's going to hang in out living room for Ollie to color on! =)

Now here are some works in progress that you can expect to see soon...
(I told you I had a ton of projects all over the place! My poor husband!

We got this filing cabinet from a garage sale for $5! There is nothing wrong with it! I am going to paint it and probably cover the front with some kind of fun paper or fabric with a cute pattern..

Filing Cabinet Inspiration-

Source: tipjunkie.com via Christiona on Pinterest

I am SOOOO excited about these night stands. We got two of them for $10 a peice from the DI! They are very sturdy and have a vintagey look. I can't wait to paint them and maybe even do some stenciling on them!
I also want to get a bedside lamp to kind of pull the room together. We shall see!

I used an extra shelf from one of our book shelves that wasn't being used and painted it to match the colors in my kitchen...I just need to get some umm...brackets? I think they are called....and this little beauty will hang above my kitchen sink!

This dresser I am totally in love with. Ok so I did spend $65 (and never mind what a cluttered mess it is currently) I feel that the price is ok because it is so classic. I love the boxy lines on it! I can't wait to paint it. I am thinking I want to do yellow...with some black or gray stenciling...we shall see...

Vintage Dresser Inspiration-

Source: domesticadventure.com via Tara on Pinterest

Vintage Dresser Knob Inspiration-

Source: anthropologie.com via Chantal on Pinterest

Well...That was my whole lunch break! so many ideas...so little time! ♥

I will be back soon with more fun crafty things.

Wreath- Coat Hanger- Home

2011-06-13T23:07:00.000-07:00

Yes yes...I made another wreath. I just have so many easy ideas! =) This one is a gift for a dear friend of mine that just moved into her own place with her man (and little man on the way...♥) and I just wanted to do something special for her.

I remember when Billy and I moved into our first 'real' place together. We had always had room mates before which is great I would get room mates right now if it meant we could have a bigger house lol. But I don't know quite how to explain it. Our little home (ok really it was a disgusting condo but I did my best to warm it up...) was like the first real extension of our 'LIFE' together. I was pregnant we had only been married a short time...it was so much fun getting furniture and making things look and feel like a home. Those feelings were so great. I like to think they are similar to that of a couple that buys their first home. Sure we were renters but that space was OURS! We could walk around naked we could play music whenever we wanted we could clean as much or as little as we wanted...because it was our SPACE! We didn't have to share it with anyone but each other and hello! How great was that?

So anyways...that was a long way of saying...I know the excitement and lovey-dovey 'home is where the heart' is feelings she is having now and wanted to get her a house warming present. =-) It was also her birthday last week so it can be a b-day gift as well! ♥

Here it is...

"a house is built with walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams."

I need to get more fun cardboard letters. These that I have been using were $1 at Target! =-)

I really hope that she likes it. I was excited for how it came out. It is a little similar to the style of the last wreath I did
'Wonder' but that is because I just used supplies I already had. =)

This time I didn't have a form to use so I made one out of a coat hanger. Similar to how I made the smaller heart on the last wreath. Then I just kind of did the rest. =-)

I ♥ Arts and Crafts

Wreath -Wonder

2011-06-13T10:54:00.000-07:00

I made another one!

This one I made for some friends of ours...Enjoy!

I am very proud to say that I used only items I already owned to make this wreath...I used an old book I will never read again to cut out the butterflies...(love that look) and then I used an old wire coat hanger to make that there heart. The rest I had in my scrap book drawer. I had plenty of string left from the wreath I made yesterday so all I needed was a circle form to wrap it with! Which I happened to have a wreath my mother in law had made me that broke so I just re-used the form!

Yay! =)

I am having way to much fun with crafts right now. It's like my crack or something. Here's a peak at something else I am working on...it is def a work in progress but I think you can get the gist of where I am going with it. =)

Ok so ignore how dirty the mirror is, I will clean it when it is done. This is just a plain white framed stand up mirror. I have wanted to do something with it for a while. Then ta-da pinterest introduced me to a world of stenciling and mod podge and re-using items you already have so....the wheels in my little head started turning and I came up with the idea to stencil and possibly mod podge the mirror than hang some hooks and ribbon down the sides so I can hang my jewlery on it. =)

Any one that knows how much I lack artistic ability will know that I CANNOT draw so I was very proud of the poppies that I drew. I couldn't find a stencil for them so I started in pencil and then drew what I saw in the picture! =)

This is where I left off. I need some more sharpy markers to finish coloring in the outline of the butterflies and poppies. I am considering cutting out some patterned paper and mod podging it over the shape of some of the tops of the flowers and butterflies...just to add some more color. We shall see. I will update when it is about done. =-)

I will be back soon with more craft updates!

Wreath- Summer

2011-06-11T06:54:00.000-07:00

I made this wreath! I love it!

Please enjoy...

Love at first door.....

♥ I will blog more later! =)

Being Healthy...Yes Again

2011-05-03T13:16:00.000-07:00

So dear friends I have finally found the motivation to get into some healthy habits. So of course here I am to share them with you!

I found a really great tool from Peer Trainer... it is called the The Cheat System. I love it. It is free so if you have some ink in your printer and 20 minutes to study it I promise you won't regret it. Get it here. A quick explanation of it though is this...

They give you tons of great tips to get motivated...to get over some of your fears...and different things that hold you back. Then they give you 'The List'. It is epic. For me at least. I am someone that needs guidelines...not so much that I am given a complete menu just guidelines to get me going in the right direction. it is so amazing. So The list is quite long and very informative. There are two columns. On one side the 'green side' ...you get to see all of the foods that you can eat an 'unlimited' amount of. You eat as much as you want of these foods. Then on the other side the 'white' side you have a list of "Stuff to start moving away from when you can" or your 'Cheat Foods' you get 10 cheats a day. Everything else (on the green side) is unlimited and you eat as much as you want. Now obviously everything on the green side isn't all that delicious but I like the structure of this list. It is really helping me curb my snacking and get more bang for my buck when planning meals. The foods on the 'green' side are the most healthful...they give your body the most benefits...so obviously you want to eat more of them...and when you REALLY need some peanut butter with your unlimited quatities of celery...go ahead. Just make sure you count it as a cheat.

I personally love this system and can't recommend it enough. I am still getting the hang of it but I really like having a complete list of what I like to call 'Super' foods in every food group. It makes it that much easier to plan my meals because I just mix and match and then add a few 'Cheats' or exceptions when I feel it necessary. It has also made me feel better about some of the meals I have been making for my son. We are definitly eating a lot LESS processed and unhealthy foods in our house and really starting to find a balance that I am comfortable with.

Along with that I have also began working on that whole 'being active' thing I have been droning on about for say ...a year and 1/2! Billy and I went on a hike this last Sunday for a date. It was so nice. We left Oliver with a sitter and went out a explored. It was great. He also wants to start jogging. We do pretty good going for family walk so hopefully we will be transitioning into that 'jogging' soon. I was given a free jogging stroller so we need to start putting it to use! We also have a few couples work out DVDs that I can't wait to get started on again. I really like it when we work out together. We just need to get back into it.

On top of all of that I have also found in this month's All You magazine more tips for having good habits. They gave 6...I am just going to list the 4 that have worked for me in the past and that I am getting back to:

1. Eat Smaller Meals More Often- This is where my 'Cheat System' really comes into play. I like to snack. Unfortunately I had gotten into some bad snacking habits especially sitting at my desk at work...always sweet things. I have replaced those things with carrots...celery...cucumbers...strawberries...all those wonderful filling 'unlimited' foods that I love so much. So I have really cut down on my sweets and balanced my meals out. I usually eat a small breakfast (usually fruit or a smoothie) a small snack...lunch...dinner...and another small snack. It really helps me and keeps me satisfied without overeating.

2. Stop Looking at the Scale- I cannot say this enough. The main thing is that you feel good. Forget pounds lost. If you are doing things right that will come no matter what. All You calls it the 'Jeans Scale' keep an eye out on how your jeans fit and that will really give you an indication of how well you are doing.

3. Eat Less Animal Protein- I personally don't always need meat with a meal. My husband the carnivore is another story. For him it is all mental. He doesn't feel like he has really had a 'MEAL' until he has eaten some meat. I have learned though that there are plenty of other sources of protein...you don't have to eat an animal to get it like our Mother's taught us. Lately I have been making the same meals for my husband, son and myself and just skipping out on the meat portion. I end up eating more healthy greans and veggies and feel better and more energized after the meal. (examples are: kale, canned beans, nuts...etc)

4. Emphasize Fitness- Diet alone is not going to get you to your goal weight. Especially as quickly as most of us want to see results. Incorporating more activity into every part of your daily routine can really help keep you motivated and on top of your game. Take the stair...clean fast and more vigourously, go for walks...etc.

So yes...that is what I have pretty much been thinking about. I am truly loving all of my extra time with Oliver now that I am part time. It feels good when Billy comes home and I have the house all clean and we have been playing all day and Dinner is ready. I never thought I would like a life like that...But I really do. ♥ I love my little family. And I really really am loving my life. Now I just get to make it a healthier life so that the Scherz Family is around a long long time!

Bye friends!

Friday Affirmations

2011-04-15T08:23:00.001-07:00

Life is a wonderful surprise...

I awaken in the morning looking for good experiences, and I find them in the most unexpected places.

Hmm...what will today surprise me with? :-)

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Bad habits and the paths not taken...

2011-04-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

I have just been thinking a lot lately about weight loss and what a hard journey it really is. Usually I can find a quote or a saying that will just sum up exactly how I feel about it but lately...I have just felt stuck. I feel like I am standing at a cross roads. In one direction is everything that I want...everything I have been whining about and talking incessantly about but just haven't reached out and grabbed. And then in the other direction are all of my doubts and fears and obsessions. I want so badly to go down the path to what I want believe me! There are so many things blocking me. So many road blocks and excuses.

That other path...the one that ends up so ugly is so easy. It tricks me with beautiful scenery and temporary satisfaction but I know what is at the end of that road. I know because I have been there time and time again. I feel almost like I am there now.

So here is to going down that other path. I think I have finally hit a point where I know what I have to do. I thought that maybe I could get what I wanted and not have to work hard for it but really when in life is that true? Never. I want the life I see so clearly at the end of that treacherous path. And for once I know how to get it.

Geesh. Why do bad habits have to be so hard to break. I am still working on breaking those bad habits. It is hard though. I catch myself over eating or craving chocolate like a mad woman. But every time I tell myself no...it gets a little easier the next time.

I made a goal at the beginning of this year. "This year I become a runner."

Maybe its time I made that happen eh?

Spring Cleaning Part 2

2011-04-04T15:39:00.000-07:00

Man-o-Man!
I am one tired lady. And I am still not even done cleaning my entire house. Weird. I have been doing a little 'Spring Cleaning' on the ol' blogspace here. I updated the books I am reading...redid the 'MommySkinnyJeans' page....go ahead and take a look! You will love it I promise.
So...now that I am semi-organized I do believe it is time to create a game plan. I have a couple of things going on weight-wise that I think are pretty cool. My husband and I joined a 'biggest loser' challenge with his work. It ends in June. I am hoping to bust out at least 20-25lbs by then. At least! I am also doing a $15 month at Curves. Speaking of Curves...
Curves- OMG I love it! Yes it seems like a lot of ... ahem...'Older ladies' seem to be all that go there but I really dig the vibes there. I also like that it is like a block away from my house...it's a quick 30 min work out and I don't ever feel self conscious there. I have never really had a problem working out with men around but I dunno when you take them out of the equation something about it is more...cumfy-cozy. Hopefully when the 30 days is up I will be able to afford to join it for realz.
My eating habits have been CRAP lately! Billy and I totally gave up fast food but it seems like I have replaced fast food with junk food. So I need to work on that. Any ideas anyone? I am thinking of going vegetarian. I do perfectly fine without meat. I am also giving myself a 12 day detox...I heard once that it takes 12 days to make or break a habit. So for the next 12 days I am breaking the following habits:
*eating candy*having ice cream at night*getting coffee at the delicious 'Human Bean' every morning before work*Over eating
So that is what I am doing. Let me know if you have any exciting ideas for me food wise. I am very picky and I don't like to cook so I have a lot of trouble getting myself to eat well. I also have the diet of a 5 yr old. I love mac and cheese and peanut butter and jelly...and chicken nuggets and ice cream and cereal. So...umm yes. I am kind of a silly eater.
Well wish me well for the week ahead!
Hope your spring cleaning is going well!

Spring Cleaning Part 1

2011-04-02T18:50:00.000-07:00

So today was a day for spring cleaning. I didn't even get all of my house done. Just the kitchen. But I moved some things around...got rid of stuff we didn't need and basically rearranged everything which is driving my husband nuts because he is the one that generally cooks. Mwa-ah-ah!
Tomorrow comes the deep cleaning of the rest of the house and dun-dun-dun...OUR CLOSET!
Spring cleaning is just what I needed right now. Out with the old in with the new. Cleaning out that garbage both physical and mental. If you are thinking of doing some spring cleaning here are some ideas of how to get started...
click here
or here
By the way the first link is also my all time favorite magazine. There are so many good tips and recipes and articles in it every month. I love it. I truly do recommend picking one up.

So I know this was yet another short little post however...I am sure Spring Cleaning Part 2 tomorrow will be worth the wait. ;-)

Welcome back to Still Dreaming

2011-04-01T16:01:00.000-07:00

Hi Blogging Universe!

Oliver and I at 'Touch a Truck'

I have been gone a while! I just felt like I shouldn't be taking up the blog-o-sphere if I didn't have anything of value or anything results oriented to give you! I was in a major slump throughout the last couple of months. And quite frankly I just haven't had much to talk about. Well never fear. I am back. Momma Skinny Jeans is back!

When I started this blog being held accountable here and sharing my feelings here helped me a ton to stay on track and also to learn from other bloggers on similar journeys what works and doesn't work. However somewhere along the way my journey became less about empowerment and positive vibes and more about complaining and ickiness. I just plain ran out of positive things to say. Now I know that sounds bad and it was for a little while and then the beginning of March I started working part time- and man oh man have I been in just the most blissful happy little bubble. I love all the extra time I am getting with my son. However along with that I have also become very lazy. So I am ready to wake up and enjoy my time with him while getting shyte done!

So...peeps- here goes nothin. Round 2 if you will!

I sincerely hope you enjoy my journey back to my skinny jeans and all of my learning about being an active exciting Mommy!

See you again soon with more details.

Welcome back to Still Dreaming.

Survey

2011-02-04T12:01:00.000-08:00

I thought this would be fun for today. ♥ Got this survey from....Pillow Talk is Extra

1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?

I feel like she is loved extended family. I have a cat named Megan and while I love her, she is very independent and does her own thing and can be kind of mean so it is more like we co-exist rather than bask in each others company. So she is a like a cousin. LOL. I keep saying I want to get a 2nd cat that will cuddle with me all the time and love me so that I can have one of each.

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?

Oh goodness my dreams seem to change a lot. Right now...honestly I would like to just be a stay at home mom and student. I can't seem to make that happen in my life right now...but it would be soooooo awesome if I could.

3. What is the one thing most hated by you?

Onions! I want to live in an onion free world. I hate them probably more than anything else on this planet. A close second though is the same answer as Ms. Cleopatra Jones (the lovely lady I got this survey from...) intolerance. It really breaks my heart right in two when I see how closed minded and idiotic people can be about people that are different from them.

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?

Hmmm...that is kind of a hard one. I would buy the most perfect brownstone in Chicago...go on as many vacations as possible and make sure Oliver had enough money to go to college and not worry about it. I would probably also give a lot of money to charity...as long as I had enough to live comfortably in my dream city I would be good I think...I don't ever really dream of being rich so my answer probably isn't too exciting.

5. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

Ugh...lately is seems nothing! I just get in ruts. But Oliver can always always make me smile. Also when people find special ways to tell me they love me...like a card or flowers or something handmade...I love that.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

I say loving someone because it hurts when people love you and you don't love them back the same way. It is just an ache...but I love loving on people! I love it. ♥ I like doing nice things for people and letting them know in small ways that I here and I love them. =)

7. What is your bedtime routine?

Oh geeez boring- usually it includes either me or Billy falling asleep on the couch and then coaxing the other into bed.

8. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?

He actually lived in the same complex as me for a while and I didn't meet him until I didn't live there anymore. I was visiting some friends that had befriended him since I had moved and I saw him stumbling home from their house drunk one night...I was captivated...it took him a couple more meetings to get it but here we are!

9. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?

I would love to watch the creative process from start to finish of a book being written. I have always thought I could do it but...I think I lack the follow through. I would love to watch like Janet Fitch or Augusten Burroughs from start to finish complete a book and publish it.

10. What kinds of books do you read?

that is funny kind of ties into my above answer lol....I don't know for sure. I used to love American Literature like all the books and excerpts you have to read in English class just...man...I loved them! F. Scott Fitzgerald...and Walt Whitman and Henry David Thorough. Lately though I have been interested in books that have been made into movies for some reason. As long as the story is good...I like seeing the differences between the movie and the book...I feel like when I am watching a movie that I have read the book version of...like I know secrets about the characters that others watching don't. It is cheesy but I love it.

12. What’s your fear?

Right now...for some reason my parents dying is a huge fear I have. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I am not ready for it and I realized that every year I get older so do they and it is no fun...=-(

But my always ready answers are deep water and spiders.

13. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?

No it doesn't interest me. And I LOVE ice cream.

14. Would you rather be single and rich or married and poor?

Married and poor of course.

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

I shower. I never feel awake if I don't shower first.

16. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?

I wish he would spend more time creatively. I know he is a total artist. That is part of what I fell in love with. he played music and takes AMAZING pictures...I just wish he would develop that more. He doesn't ever do it anymore.

17. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

I would be an Astrid. (My favorite book is White Oleander...)

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?

I am not sure I could. Something tells me I could though because before my husband I only dated ass holes man o man I put up with some shit. However I always walked away when they cheated. But I wasn't in love then soooo...I don't know that is a hard one. I am going to just say yes. Yes I would.

19. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

Macaroni and cheese...but it has to be either KFC Macaroni and Cheese or Velveeta. (gross I know but I love it and never get tired of it.)

That was fun! If you decided to do this survey I would love to see it! Email me. chelseeblood@gmail.com

A Girl Can Dream Right?

2011-02-02T16:48:00.000-08:00

I came home around 6pm just like always and began pulling things out for dinner. Oliver ran around our cozy little apartment, speaking jibberish and dancing to the music I had started playing in the background. Band of Horses...

'Could it possibly get more relaxing than this?' I thought as I prepared a salad. I ran over the events of the day in my mind and smiled...thinking about every delicious moment of it. The looks on their faces when I had told them were priceless! And the wonderful sense of relief and confidence that washed over me when it was all done. I hummed a long as I started browning the hamburger on the stove.

Oliver peeked around the corner of the kitchen at me and giggled as I made googly eyes at him and began to chase him. He dove into his multicolored tent filled with stuffed animals of all shapes and sizes and layed for a moment just waiting...anticipating my tickling hands.

I looked at his perfect little face and fear began to creep into my mind just for a moment, and then I realized that because of the events that had unfolded today our lives would not be the same as they had been, yet it wouldn't be the end of the world. The dark cloud that hung over my head was gone. It is strange that such a small change could change my entire outlook and my entire demeanor but really it had. I have always known that I thrived on change and adventure.
I had no idea how much until the prospect of change and the taste of adventure had been taken from me.

With a huge grin on my face my hands attacked tickling while I was squealing- "I've got you mwa-ah-ah." His laughter filled my ears and I laughed out loud. I layed down and let him crawl over me saying "book? book." I heard the buzzer in the kitchen. Dinner was almost ready.

Billy came home playing a game of hide and seek with Oliver as he ran to him screaming "da-deeee da-deee!" He picked him up and came to kiss me hello. I kissed his face, and felt my face get hot. I knew suddenly that I would have to tell him what I did... Suddenly I was very afraid. What had I done? He looked into my eyes and paused for a moment.

"What's the matter love?" he said looking concerned. I looked away staring into the sink. 'No.' I thought. 'This is right. This is good.' My smile came back...and I threw my arms around his neck....

"I quit my job today!"

He pulled his face back to look at me. He smiled like I was joking, and when he saw my face he stopped. His arms dropped from around me and he took a step back.

"What? Why? When?"

I knew this was coming. I swallowed hard and leaned against the counter folding my arms. How could he really be surprised? I had been talking about this for what seemed like forever! No. I would not back down. I would get him to see that this was the tipping point for incredible change in our lives.

"Well... I just walked into the office and told them, I am sorry but that is not the place for me anymore. My boss said he had been expecting it, my attitude has been so....off....lately. It went really well actually. I finally unloaded everything I had been feeling and in the end we shook hands...and here we are. But Billy! You have to believe me, this is really the best thing--"

Suddenly he looked like he was fuming. Oliver wiggled relentlessly in his frozen arms and he sat him down quickly. His eyes got big and he looked so angry at me.

"How could this be the best thing? We have talked about this we need your income right now Chelsee! How could you do this? What are we going to do about our bills? You know you don't get unemployment when you quit! I told you it wasn't a good idea."

I let his anger sink in and I let my shoulders slump for just a moment. I had expected him to be upset, but I didn't expect him to be so angry.

"Billy, I know why you are upset but I needed this. Our family needed this. What if we moved? What if you quit your job too and we sold everything worth anything and we just moved. What if we went somewhere greener? Somewhere that is less expensive to live in? What if we just got in the car and started driving?"

I could see I was losing him. He sat down and put his face in his hands.

I bent down in front of him. I forced him to look me in the eyes..." Look at me. I know in my heart this was right. I know it." I used my eyes to plead with him. To somehow transfer everything I was feeling to him, so that he would understand this was right.

He looked at me and just when I thought I was going to lose him he smiled.

"You are crazy. Do you know that? But I love you and we will make it work."

I hugged him again then and finished cooking dinner. He stared at me a lot. I believe he was seeing that for the first time in a long time I was truly happy. I felt like I was glowing. I couldn't stop thinking about every possibility...everything that we had put off because of work, or things we had thought we couldn't do before without money. Now the only thing was for me to be happy. It felt so good.

That night for the first time in a long time our conversation didn't go around in circles. There were dreams being made and plans for the future being polished. A whole new world of possibility had opened up for us and it looked very, very bright.

And of course...we lived happily ever after.♥

The End.

Ok So...obviously I didn't quit my job! LOL. We really do need that income and it would be completely irresponsible of me. I am a grown up now (As much as I like to pretend I am not) and I have a family to care for! I have just been feeling this incredible need for change lately. So I decided to imagine what would happen if I made a radical change in my life....ta da my little story emerged!

However I live in a place I like to call- 'real life' and in real life as I have learned (the hard way) in the past you can't just up and quit your job and expect things to be 'peachy'. I can have my stories though right? Who knows. Maybe tomorrow I will write a fairy tale all about Billy and I win the lottery. That is just as likely! =-)

Epic Fail / Parada Creations

2011-02-02T07:26:00.000-08:00

Wasn't one of my goals for February to blog every day? Sorry about yesterday! I told myself I would do it before bed and then...well I went to bed! Good sleep though. ;-)

I will have a another post for you later today that is much more exciting... however I wanted to show you these adorable pictures I found! I am thinking about getting a couple printed and framed for my kitchen...

thoughts? If you love them as much as I do...then you can find them here...ParadaCreations

see you later!

January Reflections...

2011-01-31T11:06:00.000-08:00

Ok so...I know that January is not over yet...but I am ready for it to be!
It hasn't been a horrible month or anything but it definitely has not been a very productive one either. I am very excited for February 2011! It is going to be such a lovely month...
My goals for this month are to....
1. Lose 8lbs2. Blog once a day (aren't you readers lucky duckies?)3. Do not turn the TV on before 8pm or later every day. Yes...even the weekends. (I am tired of waisting our lives on the couch)4. Start using Spark People to track my weight loss goals and Calorie intake(Click Here to check this out! they have an app for either the iphone or android phones that is amazing)
So there you have it. I have said it so it shall be done. ;-) So this weekend I just have to say that I have discovered one of the best things...EVER!
Wine + A good friend + Just Dance = a very good time
Holy cow... we had so much fun. A friend of mine came over after I laid the little one down to sleep. We sent the boys to the bar up the street and we rocked it out. I have never been a dancer so needless to say I LOVE JUST DANCE! You don't have to know how to dance or have rythm to be good at this game...yet it makes you feel like a total diva plussssss it is a great work out. Usually I am good for about 6 maybe 7 songs on this game but I have found that drinking while playing gives you the super powers necessary to dance all night long. Lavinia came over at about 9:00-ish and we danced until about 3am. Amazing. it was so much fun. It is amazing what a little girl time can do for the soul. ♥
so stay tuned for some exciting things in this the wonderful... sunshine... rainbows... totally played out and hallmarky month of LOVE- ♥February♥

Oliver

2011-01-26T20:36:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to share my cute boy!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Where's Your Passion?

2011-01-25T13:37:00.000-08:00

This morning on my drive to work I was thinking of about a million different things...as usual. I was pondering the meaning of the universe...missing my sound asleep baby that I haven't seen yet today...wondering if I looked alright wishing I took the time to straighten my hair....wondering how work would be...would I hate it?...I was wondering when-o-when was I going to go back to school and when I did go was my conviction to be an Adoption Agent enough to get me through all that hard work? I am pretty wishy-washy in the 'career' area of my life...you can ask people through out various times in my life what 'Chelsee wants to be when she grows up' and they will all tell you something different...being an Adoption Agent has simply been the most consistent thing I have wanted to be...I have also wanted to be a radio DJ...a jockey (yes riding horses)...I have wanted to join the Peace Corps...the red cross...the coast gaurd...be a school teacher...be a nurse...a paramedic...a therapist...oh so many things... so I was pondering this as I heard a story on NPR...goodness I love listening to NPR...

*quick side note and yet another Million Dollar Idea of mine...please someone create a 'quick notes for the car' contraption that I can use with out fear of killing myself to record things I want to look up on the internet or stories from NPR I want to remember and go back to while driving. I have thought of keeping a pen and pad of paper in the car but that is dangerous...I just always forget all these great tips and stories I want to go back to...it is crazy.*

So I have half been following this story of the protesting/revolution going on in Tunisia and now Ciaro and it hit me how passionate these people are about what they want in their lives. They are truly fighting for what they want and what they feel is lacking in their lives and their country. They are having tear gas and rocks and sound bombs and god knows what else done to them simply for speaking up about how they feel. You can learn more about these protests here and also here.

It made me really stop and wonder...obviously I am not confronted with an evil like the governments and police forces in these countries...to the contrary I have many rights and priviliges that these people are fighting and some even dying for. And I feel like sometimes I live a passionless life. I love my life, and my family and friends...but I have so much oppurtunity in front of me! When in my life have I ever felt that passionate about what I WANTED. About what I KNOW I am lacking in my life and what I want to do with my life for that matter. It made me realize that I really get to spend some time (yes more time...) figuring out what my passion is. - And then going after it.

2nd Wedding Anniversary!

2011-01-17T13:09:00.000-08:00

A photo album by Smilebox

Remembering Christmas

2011-01-17T12:35:00.000-08:00

I finally made a Smile Box for our wonderful Christmas Pics! We had great holidays so please enjoy...♥

This free digital scrapbooking design generated with Smilebox

So I got fat. Big Deal.

2011-01-05T10:28:00.000-08:00

I am excited. I have this feeling like I KNOW I am going to lose this weight. I am not sure what it is exactly. I am just fed up with my size and the way I look. I am tired of feeling tired...and nasty and ucky...after eating the things I eat. I am sick of sitting around, I have been having constant urges to do...anything really. I have been making small decisions putting me right in line to just...do it. And my husband is...well. Amazing. He is so supportive. He actually talked me into working out last night. Pshhhh. Who does that? Well...apparantly Billy does.♥ He didn't used to. There have been many times when he has pushed me the opposite direction and after really expressing to him that I WANT to lose this weight. Things have changed.

I have never felt the way I feel right now in regards to my weight. All of last year I was so worried about what other people thought of my body. That THEY would think I was fat or gross...or I shouldn't be wearing this or that. Or people I hadn't seen in a while would see me and just be surprised and laugh to themselves...'man Chelsee got fat' which I am sure people have done... but something happened at the end of last year. I let go of all of that. I mean I still get self conscious that will probably always be something I struggle with...but I know right now that I am doing this for me. For all the right reasons! I am doing this for me...for my health and my life and my husband and my son. I am not doing it for those that are judging me. I can't control what they will say or think about my muffin top so why does it really even matter?

It is refreshing to feel this way. I have been so bogged down by what I thought people were thinking about me and my body when really I don't care. Who cares? So I got fat. Big deal. I haven't come up with a concrete plan for how to lose this weight yet. It is hard right now because I am a little afraid to commit to any one thing. For now I think 30 minutes a day of something...anything will do as I get back into it.

I have been playing Just Dance. Man it is a work out! I love it though. I have never been coordinated or been able to dance...so in the privacy of my living room I have a great time learning these dances and shaking my booty. All while sweating some of these pounds off. =0)

My husband and I gave up fast food. As soon as I get into good habits actually cooking dinner for my family instead of picking food up on the way home I am going to change up our menu to include some...healthier choices...that will be interesting. I may even blog about it once a week.

So now that I am back on the grind losing this baby fat! I could use some creative ideas to keep things interesting!

What are you doing to create healthy habits?

2011...Learn Laugh Dream

2011-01-03T11:19:00.000-08:00

2011 is going to be a phenomenal year.
Has anyone (other than me) actually read Bridget Jones' Diary? The book not the movie? Well in the book she is constantly working on reinventing who she is. One day she is a goddess of sexy-ness the next day she is all poise like Jackie-O. She is always working towards making herself something other than what she is. Well. I am that way too. And I have found that constantly reinventing who you are is well... it is a lot of wasted effort! I know that I can do things to make my life easier and more enjoyable. But I no longer have any desire to be anything that I am not. (yesssss I can finally let my adolescence go!)

Hi! I am Chelsee.... I am a tad shy...I love to play games and be goofy...I am a hard worker...I have NO rhythm whatsoever...I am creative and just a little nerdy...I don't know the first thing about politics...I am a worrier like-bad!...I love to have crazy hair...I am cheap...I am all about peace and happiness for everyone...I enjoy helping others...I am a music snob...I rarely finish anything I start...I procrastinate like no body's business...I love tattoos and have a lot of them but I hate that in some people's eyes that defines me...I am a huge mushy cornball I am in love with LOVE...I have a cat but oddly enough I don't actually like cats in general...I get REALLY excited about things and if I don't act on it...well it just kind of goes away...I love movies...I like to read...I want to go to school I just haven't started yet... I am not at all religious and do not plan to be...I am passionate about a lot of things...I love my life. ♥
So that is me. Nice to meet you! That being said I do have just a few resolutions...
1.Lose 50 pounds2.Get and stay organized3.No fast food 4.Be a student of life
So there you have it! =-) I am still working on my Momma Skinny Jeans tab up there at the top of my blog. So stay tuned for that. Thank you to everyone that started reading this blog as a weight loss...'thing' and stuck with me while I took a little holiday break from all of 'that'. You may have noticed my last couple of posts said that I had 40-ish pounds to lose and the above resolution says 50. Well...I ate more than I thought over the holidays. Oh well. You win some you lose some. I plan on losing it very quickly because I am awesome! We shall see how that goes. So. I am done talking about what 2011 is 'going' to be for me and am ready to just get out there and do it.
That being said I have a house to organize!

Super mom to the rescue!

2010 Our Year In Review

2011-01-02T21:16:00.000-08:00

2010 is over...and here -for your viewing pleasure, is a recap of all of our 2010 adventures! It is crazy too because I can't really remember a lot of actual things we did each month. I am determined to keep better records this year so that my life isn't just a blur in 2011! Some things are unforgettable though...

January marked the beginning of my weight loss journey! I set out that month to lose the 70lbs I gained since getting married to my love, Billy and having my other love, Oliver. You can read my first blog post here-woohoo for weight loss Even though I only lost approximately 40lbs I learned a lot and I am confident that I have the tools I need to get into my box of skinny clothes finally this year! It is also the month that I started actively blogging. And I still LOVE it. We also celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary. We took a picture under the big Hard Rock guitar where Billy proposed to me. ♥ You can read about it here.

February was filled with ups and downs in the weight loss department. We also went out for the 2nd year in a row with our close friends Jason and Sherry to a lovely-fancy-expensive Valentine's day dinner. Also this picture of me will forever be my fat 'before' picture. You can read about all the happenings of February here- Family Update

My fat picture. (Sherry looks amazing though!)

March was a fairly uneventful month. I think. I swear I have the worst memory ever. I do know one thing is for sure. We went to the Springs Preserve finally and explored a bit.

Billy took this awesome picture.

April was an exciting month. I cooked my very first holiday meal for Easter. Oliver started eating solid foods and rolling over that month as well. I remember how big we thought he was and how excited we were that he was starting to become more playful! We started spending a lot of time out doors and Billy won a grill from work so we were BBQ'ing every weekend and most week nights. We miss our grill...(it is in storage...)

May was my first Mother's day. It came with a lot of realizations about how much I really did love being a mother and was just a great month. I believe May was also the first month that we discovered U Swirl the frozen yogurt place. And needless to say we FELL IN LOVE with it!

This picture was taken when we went to explore City Center for the first time!

June was a jam packed month. It was Billy's first Father's day. We celebrated by going to the Shark Reef and out to lunch with our friends Davie (Billy's bff) and his daughter Ani (Ollie's bff) and mom Dorothy. We went to Laughlin, NV on a work trip for Billy it was our first weekend away from Oliver. That was hard but we had a great time. We drank too much and played a lot! We need to have another weekend like that! Oliver also went swimming for the first time that month. I had a lot to say about bathing suits for those that are interested...you can read about that > here

July was a fun month. We celebrated the 4th of July by going to Alamo and then coming home to have some BBQ at our place with friends. I like to call the 4th of July the anniversary of Billy and I getting together. It was the first time he met my family and decided we were official after only knowing each other a couple of weeks. It was sweet and and I think about it every 4th of July. It was also Oliver's very first time on airplane! We went to Michigan to visit Billy's family. Many of them were meeting Oliver for the first time!

Ani and Oliver

August we moved...again. For the 3rd year in a row. Needless to say we both hope to stay in our cozy little apartment for a LOOOONG time. At least until we move to Michigan which is about 4 yrs off still. We will miss the space and the porch of our old place though. Billy and I also got a baby sitter to go on a date. (for I am pretty sure the first time since Oliver was born) We definitley need to do more of that!

Date Night

September Billy and I started bickering a lot. Not really fighting. Just bickering. I think old folks would say the honeymoon was over. It was also Oliver's closest cousin's birthday! Taika turned 1 year old!

He doesn't look too happy but he is a very cute happy 1 yr old!

October was a very fun month. Oliver was a monkey for Halloween and we went trick-or-treating with his favorite big cousin Colton who was a dragon. They are so cute together. We also drove to the beach in California for the first time as family. It was Billy's first time and Oliver's (at the beach). They both loved it.

November was a fun month as well. Oliver officially started walking and turned 1 year old! Billy turned magical 28 and we had a FABULOUS thanks giving with my family. ( I swear about 1/2 the people we know have birthdays in November hehehe)

Exploring the new bridge by the Hoover Dam

December---I can't believe it is over! I ♥LOVE♥ the holidays. We had so much fun this month. We decorated the house, had a ton of pie and got to go to Michigan to visit Billy's family. Oliver had the oppurtunity to meet Santa Clause two times and didn't cry either time! Woo Hoo! Oh and I turned 24. eek!

Christmas Eve

So now as we move forward into a new year full of resolutions and change...I get to reflect on everything that 2010 has given me. 2010 has given me strength, strength to look at myself and know that even in my darkest moments I have friends and family and love all around me. 2010 has given me curiosity. I spent a lot of time wondering about things and now in 2011 it is time to turn that curiosity into knowledge. 2010 has given me about 40 less pounds! 2010 has given me a pure appreciation for joy. There were days when I felt so numb and lost and just--not myself that now when I am happy I feel it in my bones! 2010 has given me new friendships that I hope will last a long long time-- and also a resolve to keep my oldies but goodies. (RYAN, KATI, ROGER, BRETT...I know I don't see you a lot but I love you and I miss you!)

So moving forward into 2011 I am going to be a student of life. I am going to soak up all of the knowledge and joy that I can. I can't see any other way to spend this next year! Stay tuned for new years resolutions...

100 things that make me happy

2010-12-24T12:26:00.000-08:00

So as promised I have updated my bucket list you can click on the page at the top of my blog to see it =-)...

I hope that everyone is having good holidays! It is sure cold here in Michigan! I will post some pictures once we are back. I just can't believe that it is December 24th and I am 24yrs old now..my baby is 13months and walking and 2010 is almost over! And Billy and I have our 2nd wedding anniversary in less than a month! crazy!

Anyways... back to the 100 things that make me happy!I didn't quite get to 100 but I will eventually. In the mean time here you go!

1.Billy

2. the song "don't go breakin my heart" by Elton John

3. Flash mobs

4. Christmas time

5.Christmas lights

6.Surprise gifts

7. Love notes

8. Pumpkin Pie

9. One Tree Hill

10. Christmas Music

11. Snow

12. Rain

13. When Oliver says "mama"

14. When Oliver laughs

15. When Oliver cuddles with his stuffed animals and blanket

16 When Oliver talks.

17. Ok ok this is cheating...OLIVER!

19.Queen

20.TheBouncing Souls

21.Music in general

22.toys all over our house

23.The jingle of my Dad's keys when he comes home

24.Modern Family

25.Family Guy

26.Wayne's World

27.Say Anything

28.Breakfast At Tiffany's

29.Dove chocolate

30.going on adventures

31.when I feel cute in new clothes

32.Will Ferrell

33.Spring time grass

34. pantyhose

35.Love

36.Having a clean car

37.Having a clean house

38.Cleaning my house

39. When people remember my birthday and make a big deal out of it

40.Children's books

41.coloring

42.rainbows

43. Going to the park

44.Hiking

45. Playing tourist

46.Going for walks with my husband

47. Looking at Model homes

48. Velveeta Shells and Cheese

49.Pumpkin Pie

50. Disney Land

51.Multi-color leaves

52.Apple Charlie's

53.Carving Pumpkins

54. Bakng

55.Kids candy like push up pops and bubble tape gum especially ring pops

56.Tootsie Pops

57.Tootsie rolls

58.Disney Sing Alongs

59.dancing

60.The feeling I have after working out

61.Early mornings when I don't have to rush

62.driving with loud music

63.the beach

64. buying things on sale

65. getting recognized for hard work

66.traveling

67.packing

68.peanut m&ms

69.Dr.Pepper

70.Tiffany's Jewlery

71.Being kissed

72. having my back rubbed

73. Milk duds @ the movies

74.Going to the movies

75. Vans shoes

76. baby shoes

77.doing new things

78. Build-a-bear

31 Day Reset Challenge Day #17

2010-12-17T10:31:00.000-08:00

Day #16 was about reflection so I did my reflection away from the blog-o-sphere♥

Day #17 is a doosy! go here if you want to read the post it is very powerful.

So today's challenge says to find a good therapist. she gave this quote which brought tears to my eyes...

‎"Courage is not limited to the battlefield. The real tests of courage are much quieter. They are the inner tests, like enduring pain when the room is empty or standing alone when you’re misunderstood."
– Charles Swindoll

I have been thinking all morning about whether or not I should be blogging about this. But maybe there is someone out there that is feeling like I am and maybe they just need to know they are not all alone the same way I do sometimes.... So I apologize if you know me and this post makes you uncomfortable.

If I am being completely open and honest this is something I have been thinking about for the past year!
I am not sure if I am going to really find a therapist- #1 that costs money that my little family does not have and #2 it seems like a big step that I am not ready to take on just yet. which is probably the bigger issue. For some reason I feel like that means I am giving up on things I believe in. I believe we are at choice in our lives which is why this past year has been so hard for me. I want to choose to be positive and happy and uplifting but I go to this horrible dark lonely place sometimes and it is hard to help myself climb out. I have been struggeling a lot with what I think is depression since having my son. It feels just wrong to even say that! It is supposed to be the happiest time in my life and I know in the literal sense that it is! But for some reason I can't seem to balance myself out. I am either elated and excited about life or I have a serious case of the blues. There really isn't an inbetween for me. I am so lucky that I have the greatest husband in the world that supports me no matter which mood I happen to be in. But there is only so much that I can lean on my husband and the few friends that I have for. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy and like this dark place I sometimes go to is going to just swallow me up.

Maybe this is all a sign that I need to listen to my intuition and not everyone else when they tell me I am normal and nothing is wrong with me.

I am the only one that really knows what is going on in here → ♥.

Doing this challenge is helping me a ton to clear out some of my mental trash and make some new goals and promises to myself though. So for now I will consider this and continue to just work on me.

New Design!

2010-12-16T06:28:00.000-08:00

If you love my new blog design please go to utterly chaotic designs and Brea will hook you up! She is amazing!

31 Day Reset Challenge Day #15

2010-12-15T11:40:00.000-08:00

I am pretty excited about todays post for the 31 Day Reset Challenge. I get to write my own eulogy! YAY!

Now please listen I am not completely morbid...but I have wanted to do this since seeing the movie 'Serendipity' where John Cusak's friend writes him a euology to get him to do the right thing. It is amazing...and luckily for you I found it! Here it is...

"Jonathan Trager, prominent television producer for ESPN, died last night from complications of losing his soul mate and his fiancee. He was 35 years old. Soft-spoken and obsessive, Trager never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But, in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden quasi-Jungian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit of his long reputed soul mate, a woman whom he only spent a few precious hours with. Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night in complete and utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Asked about the loss of his dear friend, Dean Kansky, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and executive editor of the New York Times, described Jonathan as a changed man in the last days of his life. “Things were clearer for him,” Kansky noted. Ultimately Jonathan concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call “fatum”, what we currently refer to as destiny." - Dean Kansky (played by Jeremy Pivon) from the movie "Serendipity"

Holy cow how do you follow that? Well here goes...

Chelsee Scherz was born in Mesa, AZ and given up for adoption to live and be raised in Las Vegas. Soon after marrying and beginning a family with her soul mate, William Scherz she relocated and spent her days in a suburb of Chicago. She lived her life to serve others and was an adoption agent before settling in as a high school counselor at a small high school near her home. She is survived by her husband, and two kids, Oliver Darren and Avi Lee. She spent much of her time doing volunteer work for the city. Chelsee, spent much of her time as an avid reader and writer and published 3 books in her life time. She will be missed for her caring, fun loving nature. Her family will remember her for her spontaneous outbursts and trips to strange places. She lived life in such a way that her children and family members knew the importance of really participating in life and living each day to it's fullest potential. She leaves her entire estate to a scholarship fund so that others may educate themself and help to make the world a better place.

It's called a "nail accessory"

2010-12-15T09:40:00.001-08:00

Just so you can all be awesome like me I would like to inform you of...ta da!

'The Nail Accessory'

A friend at work (Mz. DreAnn) informed me of the creative way to accessorize my nails and I love it. Some people think it is nuts but I for one smile everytime I see my sassy little piggies. :-)

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31 Day Reset Challenge Day #11-14

2010-12-14T21:41:00.000-08:00

Alright I will be completely caught up after these next few steps! yay! I have kind of been rushing through them I know but now that I am on track these posts will be a little less chaotic!

Day #11 is to 'eliminate a limiting belief'

It really had me choose from three and go through this program from another website but really that didn't resonate with me. The limiting belief that I have had for the last couple of years is that "I am not beautiful" and I mean that in the literal and spiritual sense. I believe that has been the root of my being consistently lost and confused. I was such a positive person and lately that thought that I am not beautiful I am ugly and fat...I am not kind I am selfish and self centered...I am not friendly I am lonely and mean and judging has just been sounding in my head for so long.

But the truth is I am none of those things I said. I am beautiful. I never get more compliments then when I feel confident in myself and happiness within my heart. I am kind and I do give of myself to others. And I am friendly. I have always been a friendly person. I want to post my mission statement again because the moment I wrote that mission statement part of me kind of stopped believing this negative 'limiting' belief. so...

♥I am a loving, caring, giving- wife, friend, and Mother. I spend my time soaking up all of the knowledge and talents I can so that I can continue to enrich the lives of those around me. I live a life filled with joy, laughter and outrageousness. The values that mean the most to me are Dreaming of the future...Learning from the world around me...and always finding something to laugh about.♥

Day #12 says to create a vision board! well... guess what? I already have one. And while it does need a little updating I think I will get a little closer to the beginning of next year before I add too much.

Day #13 says to make a list of 100 things that make me happy. Now this too is going to take me some time. I don't want to add stupid stuff just to make 100 so I will give myself a deadline of having my bucket list and my list of 100 happy things by Sunday. =-)

Day #14 is to write about your perfect day the same way I wrote the narrative about my ideal life. There are also a couple of follow up questions...

I wake up on my own without an alarm clock and take a walk by myself in the crisp early morning air listening to music. The music gets me excited so I start to jog. Before I know it I am running down the blocks and streets around my house. I notice many things but nothing so intensly as I notice my heart beating and the music playing in my ears. I come home and my boys are still sleeping pleasantly. I tidy up the house a little bit and then brew some coffee and then take a warm shower. When I am done showering I wake my husband up with a cup of coffee and we sit on the porch wrapped in a blanket cuddling and enjoying the rest of the cool morning. Later my little Oliver wakes up and we all have breakfast. We go for a walk to the park and enjoy the day for a while out doors. When we are done with that we come home and have lunch, Oliver plays and then takes a nap. After Oliver's nap we go to do some volunteer work for a local charity. Once we are done with that we have guests over to our house for dinner. We play games and drink wine. There is laughter and the kids play together. After a while of that we put the babies to sleep and we have great conversation with our friends before saying goodnight and going to bed and falling asleep in each others arms.

Follow-up questions for reflection

1. How often do you have what you would consider “perfect days?”

Days when I am very productive and I get to do a lot for my family and other people feel like perfect days. I can't remember how long ago it was when I had one but I know that it consisted of going to a 5k walk for a charity and then a birthday party. We had friends over, we went for a walk together and...wow it was just nice. For some reason I allow myself to be lazy and not get things done which creates stress...why do I do that?

2. What can you do to make sure you have more of them?

It seems to me that I get to have a little more self discipline and become more active. It seems pretty simple but if it was I would be doing it more often! eeek!

31 Day Reset Challenge Day #8-10

2010-12-14T11:15:00.000-08:00

So I am getting caught up on the challenge...and day # 8 says to reflect, comment and connect. So far this challenge has been so good for me to just really clear my head of all the mess and think about what I really want out of my life. Since having my son Last November I have just felt like a crazy mess of a person. My moods are all over the place I have no direction...it is crazy. So moving into this new year the 2nd year of Oliver's life I have really wanted to gain clarity on who I am and what I want. Otherwise I will just continue to be unhappy and just an ugly mean confused person. And that is not good for my son and definitely not good for my family. Does that make sense?

This process so far has helped me to see that I really need my relationships with other people. I cannot just close my thoughts and feelings to myself. That is how I go nuts. If anything that is one of the main things moving into next year that I want, better relationships with my friends, my family, and my husband. And I am realizing that in order to have that I get to have a better relationship with myself.

Sooo yea...lots going on in the reflection department...let's move on...Day #9 is to Do One Thing.

Do one thing that will propel me forward into all these things that I have been saying I want. That will help me acheive one of these goals I have been talking about. And you know what? I am doing something today! I am going to have a 'playdate' with our friends Shanna and Ani. This may seem like a cop out but really it is a good step for me. I usually spend my time at home with Oliver cleaning, or reading or spending time alone and then when I see people I know and like, I am always like 'Oh hey we should really get together...' but then it never happens. I never make it happen because I like being wrapped up in my own little world too much. I think Shanna is a great mom and the kind of person I really need to surround myself. I think it will be fun and a big change for me.

I know. I know. I am corny.

Day #10 is to create a bucket list! Now I am going to be honest with you. I cannot create a bucket list right now. Please give me some more time to be thinking about it. I don't want to half ass it and fill it with a bunch of shit I don't need so Day #10 is going to be...

to be continued....

31 Day Reset Challenge Day #7

2010-12-14T10:47:00.000-08:00

The challenge for day 7 is to write my ideal life narrative using the life map I created and incorporating the 7 areas of my life we have previously been using....This should definitely be fun...

I live in a suburb of Chicago in an older brick home with hard wood floors, a working fireplace, where we sit and read and play games. We have red shutters, a red door and a porch swing. We spend a lot of time in the city exploring and seeing the sights. We also drive to Michigan to see his family at least every month. We are financially stable with money in savings. My relationship with my husband is fun, loving, and spontaneous. My husband owns his own Lock Smith company and I stay home with our kids and go to school part time to be an Adoption Agent. We fly home to Las Vegas twice a year to visit my family and I stay in contact with my sister and mother we have a great friendly relationship. I go jogging every morning and stay very active and healthy teaching my kids good eating/living habits. The television is rarely on in our home. We have a good circle of friends where we live. We enjoy spending time with them having dinner parties and game nights regularly. We also stay in good contact with our friends from Las Vegas. We skype with them and talk with them all the time. We take one big vacation every 2 years to see all of the places we would like to visit.

wow...I like that life. Not to say that my life now is soooo horrible but that is really what I dream about. =)

31 Day Reset Challenge Day #6

2010-12-12T22:48:00.000-08:00

Yes I know I suck. I am behind as I usually am with these kinds of things. But just because I am behind blogging doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about it.

So the challenge for day #6 was to create a life map using the same 7 areas of my life, Lifestyle, Education, Work, Finances, Health, Family and Relationships.

Here it is...(please don't judge my handwriting...LOL) If you would like to create a life map here is the link to where I got mine...go here

So yes. There it is...ahhhhh my dream life. Now let's figure out how to go ahead and make that there happen eh?

Myers Briggs Type Indicator-INFP

2010-12-08T13:11:00.000-08:00

So a special treat for me in my 'learning and growth' journey was that I got to take the Myers Briggs Type Indicator at work and we did a work shop to learn more about our personality. It was very interesting. It told me mostly what I already know...I am introverted...shy...I keep to myself...=) (People that know me well probably would not totally agree with that but catch a glimpse of me in a room of people I don't know and you will see that girl- trust me!)

I am a INFP (I feel like I am coming out to a support group. "Hello, my name is Chelsee and I am an INFP"...)

Here is a brief description of me...

INFP

Idealistic, loyal to their values and to people who are important to them. Want an external life that is congruent with their values. Curious, quick to see possibilities, can be catalysts for implementing ideas. Seek to understand people and to help them fulfill their potential. Adaptable, flexible, and accepting unless a value is threatened.

The thing that really stood out for me is how I react when I am not myself...when I am acting out from my 'Out of Type' mode...It really helped explain why I am an angry drunk! LOL. Also I read a lot in the profile that my personality type tends to get overlooked because I keep to myself so much...I don't readily voice my opinion or put my accomplishments out there for everyone to see and praise...which kind of sucks. This has been showing up at work a lot. I keep to myself so much that I am often overlooked. Frusterating but at least now I am more conscious of it so I can work on putting myself out there more...maybe more oppurtunities would open up for me if I was more vocal or even just social. People would see that I am not just the quiet girl in the corner working ever so softly. Especially at my work...It seems like there are WAY more extroverts in my environment so it is easier for me to get lost in all the noise. (I work admin for a company with a large sales/training staff so needless to say I am one of few introverts in my crazy loud outrageous office...lol) I guess it is time for me to show the world what this shy lady can do!

Have you taken this before? If so share with me what you are! I would love to know now that I understand it better.

31 Day Reset Challenge Day #5

2010-12-06T22:22:00.000-08:00

Just in case you are still wondering what I am doing...you can still join the challenge...it is from this amazing blog...Happy Black Woman

So the challenge for Day #5 (yesterday) is to create a Personal Mission Statement. I have actually had the oppurtunity to do this before but I feel like this is the perfect time for me to do it again. This challenge is coming at a perfect time in my life as well. This past year has been really wonderful having my perfect little Oliver here...but hard too...we did not plan on having a baby so a lot of what I thought made me who I was changed unexpectedly. It has been hard learning about who I am all over again and putting the peices of my back together again...I am so many things now..coworker...working mom...friend...sister...wife...but the best of all is Momma. ♥

♥I am a loving, caring, giving- wife, friend, and Mother. I spend my time soaking up all of the knowledge and talents I can so that I can continue to enrich the lives of those around me. I live a life filled with joy, laughter and outrageousness. The values that mean the most to me are Dreaming of the future...Learning from the world around me...and always finding something to laugh about.♥

31 Day Reset Challenge Day #4

2010-12-06T21:26:00.001-08:00

So todays challenge is to take a good look at my values I came up with yesterday. And actually i was supposed to come up with like 10 but I am happy with what I have so I am going to leave it.

These values are very important to me in my life right now. These are the areas of my life that are really standing out for me and resonating with me.

So here goes...

1. Am I currently living out my core values? (Rate yourself 1-10 for each)

Learning- I give myself a 2 for my rating on this value. I have felt stuck and honestly just been plain lazy lately! I really need to remember that when I stop learning I stop growing...when I stop growing I stop dreaming...and when I stop dreaming I stop laughing. It is no good.

Dreaming- again I get a 2....geesh it is depressing.

Laughing- I would give myself about a 6...I try really hard not to take myself too seriously. I love having fun..I just let myself wallow too much.

2.What do my values look like in action? (List out 3 actions you currently take or should take to honor and fulfill that value in your life.)

Learning- a) enroll in school...that is a huge one. B) I need more hobbies! I want to learn a foreign language or get really good at I dunno something really exotic anddifferent. C) know that everyone I meet has knowledge and life experiences I don't there is always something to be learned.

Dreaming- a) I have a dream wall and a dream journal...I get to revamp them and really let the universe know what it is I DO want in my life. B) talk with my husband about possibilities of our future and really dig into his dreams c) take action on my dreams!

Laughing- a) I have bouts of complete and utter bitchiness that totaly throw me off...my sense of humor just goes away...I hate it. I need to control my moods better b) realize how my bitchiness effects others...everyone loves a happy person that makes them laugh... C) do AT LEAST ONE crazy outrageous thing every day.

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31 Day Reset Challenge Day #3

2010-12-03T17:06:00.000-08:00

I am finally caught up after this one! Yay! So the Challenge on day # 3 is to "Identify You Values" I am actually really excited about this because I have always known what values were important to me in a big picture kind of way (Beauty Freedom Truth and Love...right there on my wrists so I don't forget) but lately I have been thinking a lot about how to work on myself and get back to being myself again...

♥ Learning...I am at my best when I am learning something new...sometimes life throws a lot at me at once though and I just kind of forget to be a student of life...

♥ Dreaming...I shine my brightest when I am planning and being creative...I become a very depressing person to be around when I am not dreaming of the future and working on bettering myself or the situations of those around me...I hope the dreamer in me continues to flourish and grow.

♥ Laughing... I take myself too seriously sometimes! I get to remember to live life with a smile...and to find the humor in even the ugliest situations.

P.S...If you have no idea what I am talking please read my previous post...♥

31 Day Reset Challenge

2010-12-03T16:33:00.000-08:00

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort...."

- Eat Pray Love

So I learned about this challenge from one of my all time favorite bloggers over at Pillow Talk is Extra and it seems like exactly what I am looking for in my life right now! She got it from this blog- Happy Black Woman -which I have never read but am excited to explore! Among other things this challenge is supposed to help me to...

Rediscover your passion and purpose in life
Get clear about your goals for the new year
Create a map for your ideal life
Try new things and live outside of your comfort zone

Join me if you like! I am way excited about this. I am also starting a couple of days late so this post will be pretty long as I will be catching up on the first three days.

The first day said to start a notebook to record my thoughts and feelings during this journey. I may be opting out of that one since I am pretty long winded when I blog anyways...I may not have anything left to share with myself lol...The first day also said to create a personal Mantra- Mine is up top..."Happiness is the consequence of personal effort..."- Eat Pray Love....I chose that mantra because too often in my life I just expect to be happy with out putting any effort into it and I have found that doesn't work! I get to work to keep my thoughts positive and continue to learn, grow and love others genuinely and then I am at my happiest! ♥

The second day says to conduct a 'Life Assessment'...which I am very excited about. It says to look at these 7 areas of your life:

Lifestyle (satisfaction with where you live/living environment, how you spend your leisure time these days)
Work (satisfaction with where you work right now, what you do to earn your living)
Education (satisfaction with your educational attainment to date – college, vocational school and other learning goals)
Finances (the current state of your budget/money management, salary, net worth, debt-to-income ratio)
Health (the current state of your mental, physical and spiritual health – mind, body, soul)
Family (the quality of your relationships with family members, siblings, children)
Relationships (the quality of your relationships with friends and romantic partners)

Now I get to ask myself 2 questions about each area...what do I want to change about this area of my life? what do I love about this area of my life? here goes...This may be long. If you decide to do this challenge with me let me know! I would love to keep up on your progress! =-)

1. Life Style: What do I want to change? I feel like I don't make use of my time! When I am home I could be doing so many things and I end up just zoning out or watching TV or surfing through facebook. I know that I have interests and other things I could be doing. I want to work on that. Less TV more books, more learning and growing and developing myself. I really want to get out of the house more and explore and just be generally more active in my community as well. What do I love? I love our new apartment! It feels so much like home. I really enjoy the area we live in and everything that is close by. It makes me really happy when I come home and see our furniture and our pictures on the wall and it smells good and it is (usually) clean. I also adore having my son's toys around. I am not sure why but stepping on plastic blocks and seeing stuffed animals littered around the house just brings joy to my heart!

2. Work: What do I want to change? Oh where do I begin. I feel so torn up and out of whack in this area of my life. It has really been funking up my life! I want to be at home with Oliver as much as possible...however our family really needs my second income right now. On top of that I just don't feel fulfilled with work like I used to. I used to LOVE LOVE LOVE the place I work and now those rose colored glasses have come off...I keep getting more and more responsibility and I just feel overwhelmed on a daily basis. It is hard even admitting that because I work for a pretty great company and I really believe in the work that I do. It has just become more stressful than I ever expected it to and I am having a daily tug of war in my brain about being away from Oliver at work and leaving him with a sitter on top of that. What do I love? I am grateful. Working at this time in my life has truly humbled me. I am lucky for so many reasons when it comes to me working. #1 my work is very flexible. #2 I am lucky to have family that will watch my adorable little man instead of leaving him in daycare. I know up top I had a lot of complaints but I do realize how lucky I am to even have a job and also to have childcare and a flexible working schedule.

3. Education: What do I want to change? What do I love? Kind of sad but there really isn't anything I have gotten right in this department. I don't know what I love about my education. Maybe that I finished High School that is amazing in and of itself.

4. Finances: What do I want to change? I want to have good credit. I want to be financially stable and not live paycheck to paycheck. I want to be able to pay my bills...splurge on little things...have money in the bank and ugh...stop stressing about it. This is one area of my life that truly stumps me. It is like I know what I need to do to fix this. I just...haven't followed through yet. It is always --next month...after we buy this...or after we get rid of this bill we will be able to get better...and then it never happens. What do I love? We have a roof over our heads. We both have good jobs...neither of us have to wait for an unemployment check...we can afford all the things we need. Knowing that we can take care of ourselves brings me peace for sure...even if it is paycheck to paycheck.

5. Health: What do I want to change? this one is short simple and easy...I want to lose 35lbs; I want to be active! I want balance between enjoying food and eating good food. What do I love? I am very proud that I have lost 35 almost 40lbs! It is amazing!

6. Family: What do I want to change? I actually feel pretty good about this area of my life. I think I do need to pay more attention to my family...my siblings and really know what is happening with them and offer them help and advice...whatever I can. I feel like I am always wrapped up in my own life and yet they do so much for me and have helped me so many times during my life. I want to be more conscious in my relationships with them. I also want to get to know Billy's family-his mom in particular better. I am shy and she is shy and I really want to become her friend. What do I love? I love the relationship I have with my mom now. It is so awesome. ♥

7. Relationships: What do I want to change? Oh man! Let's start with friends...I need them! I let a lot of my friendships go when Billy and I got serious and now I miss them. Billy is my best friend and always will be but I didn't realize until recently how much I need that interaction. I need to be more outgoing and friendly with the friends I already have. I am a total flake. Also Shanna ♥ I want to hang out with you more! I think you are great and someone that I get a long with really well. =-) Now...with my Husband. I need to work on myself so that he can have the woman he married back finally. I have changed a lot since getting married and especially since getting pregnant and I feel like somehow along the way I lost part of myself. I know that is the root of all our bickering and silly fighting. What do I love? I have made a few great friends during the past couple of years...Lavinia and DreAnn! Thank you for being there for me and listening to me. I really truly appreciate you. I have never had close girlfriends other than my sister-in-law and I am so glad that we have become so close! And I am sure everyone knows how much I LOVE and appreciate my husband. Billy you are the greatest. I love how you make me laugh...and how you always support me and are there for me. mmm and you are VERY HOTT! hehehe....

WOW! That was harder than I thought it would be. whew. Hope I didn't bore you! I will be catching up on Day Three in a few minutes. I feel like it was too much for one blog post. LOL.

Thinking...

2010-11-30T15:28:00.000-08:00

I love blogging...and as per usual when I get a fun new creative medium I let it take control of my mind until it becomes a great BIG...nothing. =-)

I spent most of this year blogging about losing weight. I still have about 40lbs to go before I am happy but am still proud of my stick-to-it-tiveness!

The problem I am running into is I have too many ideas for where I would like this--- and my many other blogs to take me and because of this I have created 3 blogs which I have done...pretty much nothing with.

www.chelseeandbilly.blogspot.com

www.mommaskinnyjeans.blogspot.com

www.pocketmom.blogspot.com

So. I have decided to abandon my other blogs and stuff all the different areas of my life into this one cute little place. You see I was worried that people that read my weight loss blog wouldn't be interested in reading about my personal life and seeing endless updates about my cutie patootie Oliver...and that those that are interested in seeing updates on my family wouldn't really want to know how annoyed with my stretchmarks I am today...then I also had an idea to put all my crafty ideas into one place with a blog I was going to call 'Pocket Mom'...So instead...Welcome to Still Dreaming...the home of a weight obsessed...crafty mother and wife. I can't live my life in compartments anymore guys. So you get it all. Sorry if it's just a little too much information for you. I have noticed that this is how I am really most comfortable living my life. As a completely open book.

I am sorry for any confusion my many blogs have caused any of my readers...but please come back to this one. I feel that if I really find a way to channel my thoughts and energy into one place then blogging could really be beneficial to me. I have fun putting my thoughts down...so here goes. Look for many more fun things to come. =-)

Oliver...♥

2010-11-17T17:53:00.000-08:00

I have wanted to blog all week! There has been a lot going on though so here I am finally!

Oliver's birthday was a success! It was so much fun having all of our friends and family with us to celebrate Oliver's very first birthday. We had a pirate themed birthday party it was a lot of fun. A lot of Oliver's little and big friends came by. The funniest thing I think was the cake. I spent the entire two months prior to the party planning to make this amazingly complicated pirate ship cake and it fell apart on the day before the party. It totally did not come together...I was crushed. Then a good friend gave me an idea for an easier cake. And it all turned out alright and the moment came when it was time for Oliver to stuff his adorable little face with cake...it was the moment I was most excited about. Our little man likes to get dirty and I made him his own little chocolate cake. And so we sat him down and took his picture and he wouldn't eat any cake! He got so mad at us for sticking it in his mouth. Poor baby. He just didn't want anything to do with it. It was pretty funny.

I still cannot believe it has been a year. It is incredible how fast it goes by. In many ways I feel like I Billy and I have grown even more than Oliver has...learning to care for an infant is not easy. Learning to let go of parts of our lives that just don't mesh with a baby around was hard. -- For me. Billy is the best father! It seems like he just eased right into the role! He is so great with Oliver and putting the needs of our family before his own. We are so lucky to have him in our lives. He is going to teach Oliver so much about being a man and living life with integrity and FUN and really being a good person. oooooOOOooo tear! I feel like I have let not really being happy with myself kind of put a damper on my life this year. I have been worried about what I look like and the fact that I can't stay home with Oliver...well I am done with that. It is the holidays and it just time to give it up and be happy! Celebrate my cute cute boy and cherish the time that I do have with him. And just enjoy my life. I really am happy with where my life is right now and I get to just enjoy it finally instead of worrying so much about all the things I am not doing. hmmm oh the insight a year can give you right? Enough mush from me!

Now back to the Oliver Update...

He is a little crawler now!

Around 10 months he just got up on his hands and knees and decided he was done with his little army crawl he was doing. He is so fast! And he loves to crawl away real fast and hide from us. It is a fun game...

Oliver is eating all solids and we are slowly phasing out formula. He still enjoys a binky and bottle but I can see his little face light up when he eats fruit and especially chicken. His favorite food is still bread.So fun...

He is walking. Not quite on his own and not everywhere but everyday he gains a little more stability and takes 5 steps instead of 4 and 6 steps instead of 5...so he is getting there...

He is a climber! the other night he climbed right up on the couch and now there is no stopping him. He knocks his toys over just so he can climb on top of them...

He says Dada officially. When I am home with him and he hears him coming up the stairs to our apartment or a van park outside he gets very excited and it's all "dadee dadee dadee..." I have yet to hear him say "mama" when it has anything to do with me... but he does say "looooo" (hello) with the phone to his ear and tickle tickle tickle with his hand out to tickle you.

He blows kisses and waves bye bye...Which reminds me he had his first real girl kiss! I still can't believe it! Our friends have twins that just turned two, one of which is a little girl who is a cutie named Rylee. well Rylee came right up to Oliver while he was playing and smooched him right on the lips! I am so sad I didn't have my camera out. I think that Oliver liked it too because everytime she was around after that he would just move his little face closer to hers...♥ too much too fast!

Another new development is that Oliver...MY OLIVER...is throwing tantrums. If he didn't look so cute with his quivering lip it would probably be annoying...

So that is really what is new with our family. Oliver is 1 and it is my FAVORITE time of year. I love the holidays. Thanksgiving is coming up and I am excited to try out some new baking adventures. We are very excited about traveling to Michigan for Christmas we will be there the 23rd-28th. And I am excited that I have 2 weeks off Dec 20th-31st to spend with my little man! ♥

Until next time!

Much Love,

The Scherz Family

Ollie's first Birthday!

2010-11-08T22:13:00.001-08:00

Photo album personalized with Smilebox

OuR gEt aWaY ♥♥

2010-11-01T13:06:00.000-07:00

Personalize a digital scrapbooking design

This was Oliver and Billy's very first trip to the ocean! We had a great time getting out of Vegas for the day.

Ollie's first Halloween!

2010-11-01T12:09:00.001-07:00

This scrapbook made with Smilebox

The. Box.

2010-07-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot lately of the box of clothes that is sitting..lonely...in my closet. Mostly because we are moving in a couple of weeks and also because it depresses me that I still cannot wear them. They are my pre-marriage, pre-pregnancy clothes. I want so badly to be able to wear them. And at this point it has been so long since I have been able to that it iwll be like getting an entirely new wardrobe and who doesn't want that? But upon looking through these clothes a couple of weeks ago I also found my pre-pregnancy, pre-marriage box of unmentionables! It struck me that it is a little strange to be keeping old underwear! But I just can't bring myself to get rid of my 'sexy things'. From the time when I was thin and could be 'sexy' all the time with out even putting a lot of effort in. Now it is a whole big production....but that is another blog post lol.

It also made me realize a lot of people don't put a lot of thought into underwear when it comes to gaining a lot of weight. Or losing it! I know that I certainly didn't. I was very surprised after I had my son and tried to go back to my chongs (I really don't like the word thongs...it makes me thing of sticky dirty looking women...) to find that they didn't fit! I had to go out and buy larger underpants. But it wasn't only buying a larger size either. My new weight distribution just doens't work well with that...well that small amount of fabric! I work with a girl that 'just doesn't think it is right NOT to wear chongs ever and that anyone that doesn't wear them is just wrong. And while I love her I just have to think to myself...'Oh to be skinny again and think that my ass is going to stay the same shape for the rest of my life...'

These are really just random thoughts but when I was a cute thin girl I don't think I ever thought I would have a box of underwear in my closet that I can't wear and be wearing underwear that didn't make me feel randomly sexy or that matches my bra for that matter. I would have thought it was craziness too. Now I am all about comfort for my booty.

Back to the boxes though. I am so sad that I am moving this box with me. I should be giving away my fat clothes and unpacking my skinny jeans! I am not there yet though. I feel sometimes that along with boxing up my skinny clothes I boxed up a part of me...my self esteem and my random sexiness. I want that back. So I will continue working out...creating good life habits so that I can one day pull those sexy things and skinny things out of the box and enjoy them once again.

stressful situations

2010-07-13T11:52:00.000-07:00

Do stressful situations drive you to eat? They do me.

I am just working on reminding myself of what is REALLY important and how I am going to feel after I bury my head in chocolate. Worse. I will feel worse if I eat eat eat.

So. Apples? HERE I COME!

she's back...

2010-07-12T10:35:00.000-07:00

Well I am proud to say that I am back. I said in my last post that I was working hard at getting my mind right and back into the swing of things. I am back! yay! I am so energized and excited for this weight loss journey that I am on. I sound like a total cornball but oh well. =) I can't wait to step on that scale in December and know that I have accomplished something not many people do. I have set my goal of 70lbs and I am going to reach it! woot woot!

It is so boring being a downer that is sad about being chubby all the time! So here's a few things that I am doin...

Your Shape...

Now don't get me wrong Jenny McCarthy's voice can get pretty annoying and it is very picky about the colors you are wearing but watching myself with that little camera sure does keep me motivated...with every jiggle I work just a little bit harder. =-) I am looking for a REALLY good yoga video too. I think that yoga is something that I could grow to love. I just need the right video. I got some on netflix but they were lame so...we shall see about that.

I ♥ My Husband!

I also have had a great conversation with my husband and he is totally on board now. He is actually participating in my planning of meals and encouraging me. That is really nice. I really needed that. I can only be my own cheerleader for so long ya know? I think that everyone needs some one constant in their corner. Of course the hard work and determination has to come from with in but sometimes you just need that extra push to really get there....

Good Start...

2010-07-05T16:26:00.000-07:00

So I am off to a good start reforming good habits, and being conscious of my food choices. I guess I will just leave out this weekend as it was July 4th and well...BBQ...cookies...ice cream...blegh...you name it, I ate it. But I had fun and to me it was worth it. However I did see a pic of myself that just reaffirmed why I am doing this.

That is my beautiful Sister-in-law Christy. Mother of two children- Hunter and Haylee. Walked a marathon that morning! Now I was wearing kind of a poofy shirt to hide my fat so that I would feel more comfy but I seriously look like I could have been pregnant. Which last 4th of July I absolutely was preggo meggo but this 4th all those people that saw me preggo last year were lookin to see how I have shrunk back to form and I do believe I got a few pity looks. So...like my last post said..moving forward!

You know this weight loss journey has really taught me the principle of routine! When I am in a good routine it is so much easier to fight those excuses that pop up to eat yucky stuff...(that makes me feel yucky) and to skip working out...) The best advice I could ever give would be to get into a good routine and create great habits.
Life happens and sometimes you have to break your routine but you can always go back to it.

That is all for today. As I get back into the swing of things I promise I will blog more. For now I am just working on getting back into those good habits that way I will have some actual results to post here!

Alright then...MoViNg FoRwArD

2010-06-29T17:24:00.000-07:00

I do not want to come on here and do yet another one of my posts where I talk about how I got off track and now I am getting back to it, however. LOL

I got off track and now I am getting back to it.HA! I have spent some time...basically a month living with excuses. And you know what? I felt aweful all month. I hated myself, my body, I have been moody I have been slightly depressed and no fun to be around. I have made so many excuses not to work out...I am sure they are excuses you have thought of before as well...

I am too tired today...
I have a head ache...

I will just eat this right now and then starting tonight...tomorrow...next week I will start eating right...

There is so much going on I just can't focus on this...

Oh the baby had a hard night last night...I need my sleep instead of working out...

Poor me, I hurt, I hate my life, working out sucks....

Who am I kidding 70lbs in a year?...I will be fat forever...

If my husband thinks I am so 'great' the way I am why even bother losing the weight?

What if I go through all this effort and still hate my body?

Oh you get the hint. That list could be a mile long full of the excuses I make up every day. The facts are I have been wallowing in everything that makes me unhappy and not working out, and not eating right has just been the icing on the cake. I am not sure how I let it last a month long but...I am starting to get my mind right now. I am back to counting calories and keeping track of my small goals. The good news as I have said before is that I expected to have set backs like this. I know myself. I am horrible at commiting to things, I am horrible with consistancy. But I owe this to myself. I deserve the body I want, the health and happiness that I want. The all around wellness that I want. And you know what? When I am working out and eating right as badly as I want to just stay in bed or eat all the yummy stuff I feel GREAT! I feel proud of myself, weigh ins are exciting and I have a certain glow about me. So cheers. Here's to falling off the wagon for a bit and climbing right back on.

love to you and yours!

Weigh In

2010-06-08T19:25:00.000-07:00

Well I am still at 189lbs ...

I know I said I gained 3lbs in Laughlin but I think it was all beer weight and I lost it pretty quick. So I say 'still' because in my mind I haven't gone anywhere. Man it would be nice to be back at 170lbs...that is what I weighed when I got pregnant. 15lbs to go?

I know I can do it.

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself... any direction you choose."-Dr. Seuss

bathing suits...

2010-06-03T21:07:00.000-07:00

that's right. bathing suits.

just the sound of that word and I cringe! Until last weekend I had no desire to be seen in a bathing suit until next summer. I was prepared to wear my capri pants...sit out of the water fun activities and everything. And then I found out that the relaxing trip to Laughlin to the SPA was actually a trip to Laughlin to the LAKE to ride jet skis and boats! AGH! Total mental break down on my part. I know it is silly. I know I am grown, everyone knows I just had a baby, no body really cares what I look like. It is not like I was going to roll up in a thong bikini just rockin my poor stretch marked chubby body! AGH! But I was terrified. I have met all of my husband's coworkers maybe two or three times ever. And I was pregnant all of those times so I did not want them seeing me in a bathing suit. PERIOD.

Obviously I got over it. I went and got a tasteful mom-suit. One piece.You know... sucks ya in. hides the tummy dimples. And I will admit it wasn't so bad. But man did it put my priorities in perspective. I am insane! I let the way I feel about my body control everything. I was seriously considering not even going on our trip because of a tiny little piece of water-wear. I am soooo glad that I didn't though because we had so much fun and I realized (again) that I have the greatest husband. He really thought I was beautiful all weekend long. Even though I didn't see myself that way...he saw it. And in the end I felt that way. ♥

I did take the oppurtuniy to take 'before' pics of myself in the bathing suit so that I could compare when I squeeze into one next year. Here they are. view them if you dare.

Needless to say I have a new fire lit under my weight loss goals. So that is that. I don't have a lot to say about it because I haven't done much yet. Story of my life. But I gained three pounds just over the weekend. I forgot to log my weigh in so I will just let it be seen next Tuesday. I have conflicting feelings about that though. I know myself. I know what I like and I KNOW that if I don't let myself have these kinds of weekends where I eat and drink what I want than losing this weight is useless. Now I am just dealing with the struggle of getting back into everything. still. ugh. My goal is to have good productive news for you next week instead of "blegh I am tired and haven't been working out blegh."

Peace ♥ Love ♥ and Bathing Suits

Fun Memorial Weekend...

2010-06-03T20:29:00.000-07:00

Billy and I had a MUCH NEEDED get away. I loved it. We have been wanting a weekend away for a long time and just haven't had the money. SCORE! Billy's boss decided to send his whole company to Laughlin for the weekend! It was great! The only down side was leaving Ollie for the first time over night. He stayed with Grandma and Grandpa so of course he was totally excited. It was just hard being away from him.

We had a wonderful time though. We got to stay in a beautiful hotel room.

It had a great view! I loved it. That whole entire wall that you could see was a giant window...we could see the Colorado River and all of the lights of their little strip. I loved it.

We went to Lake Mojave. It was fun. A little scary because none of us knew how to use the boats that Billy's boss rented! HA!

It was great. ahhh.....We got the relaxation we needed and were SOOOO anxious to pick our boy up on that Sunday. We missed him! ♥

This month we are blessed to be going to Michigan to see Billy's family as well. His parents came out here when Oliver was just 2 weeks old!

So I know they are very excited to get to see him. Monday he will be 7 months! He has two teeth and just gets more animated and bigger and bigger every day. I have just about completely run out of clothes that fit him. ♥

Until next time...

Weigh In Day/Starting Fresh

2010-05-18T12:29:00.000-07:00

Ahhh....another weigh in day. 189lbs. I am in the 180's!

Now I just need a swift kick in the ars, becuase I did nothing to earn the poundage I lost this last week. I will celebrate the fact that I have set myself up diet wise to keep losing even when I am not working out and eating little treats I don't usually eat...but! If I can lose 1lb a week without even trying then come on Chelsee get it together!

I will repeat the beautiful quote I found last week:

"How does one become a butterfly?" "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."

So this week, like so many weeks before I get to get back in gear. However I have to smile at that becuase that is what I fully expected my weightloss journey to be. I know myself. I know that consistancy is not my strong suite! I will do really good for two weeks working out, losing that weight feeling good about myself and my baggy clothes. And then I treat myself one time and for anywhere from 1 week to 2 weeks I am totally off track. I eat things I would say no to during the good times, I sit around when I would noramlly talk myself into being active. And ya know what? I am ok with that. Becuase that is what works for me right now. I am still on track with my weight loss goals. Do I know that I could do more? Absolutely! But at least what I am doing is working. I am not going to give up on my goals becuase I have some set backs. No sir.

I do want to say one thing though...This month is FLYING by! I have until the end of june to lose 4lbs. I know I can do it, but what if I lost 40lbs by my first goal cut off? That would be nice. I would be wearing most of my prepregnancy clothes if that were the case. I could finally put away the maternity clothes that I find comfort in when a waist line is just a little too tight. I would have a brand new wardrobe! woot woot.

So. I am changing my goal. 40lbs by June 31st. 30lbs by December 31st. And I am also adding another goal. I want to be in shape. That is something that I have not really been too concerned with. I want stamina, and I want to see myself moving forward with my working out...not just gettting by and being ok with getting the minimum done becuase "At least I worked out..." I want to see that my limit is 20minutes this week and 45 minutes two weeks from now becuase I have been chipping away at it. I want to see that I can barely do a girly push up this week and in a month I can do a full man push up. That excites me. Up until now I haven't been brave enough to want those things becuase I was glad that I was at least getting up and doing SOMETHING. I want to have expectations of my work outs now. Hopefully that doesn't end up driving me away from working out in the first place lol.

So. The way that I see to do that is to complete the Jillian Michael's 30 day shred. I have it, I like it, Jillians kicks my butt! However I do not do it consistantly (again not my strong suite) so I am at square one every time I start it. I give up in the same spots every time becuase every time is basically my first time. I am not building on any kind of a foundation. So. From now until June 31st my goal is to complete the 30 day shred.

My second goal is to stay on Alli and see if it really works. I am not doing the meal plan. It doesn't appeal to me at all. Maybe it's the rebel in me but I do know that one important thing that was important to me when I started my weightloss journey was that I wanted to be able to eat the things I like. I will make small changes here and there if it helps AND keeps me happy but I do not ever want a list of No-No foods. I know that I love food so much that if I do that to myself I will gain everything back as soon as I reach my goal weight. I count calories and I usually will choose the lower calorie items but I will not sacrifice deliciousness for weight loss. And so far it has been working. (27lbs down mayne!)

So a recap I know this has been all over the place!

Woot Woot! I lost 1 lb this week. (with minimal effort...blegh)

I have some new goals.

40lbs by June 31st

1. Complete Jillian Michael's 30 day Shred to build stamina and begin the process of toning and getting in SHAPE
2. Stay on Alli until at least June 31st

Love to you and your journey! ♥

LOVE IT

2010-05-14T11:17:00.000-07:00

"How does one become a butterfly?" “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."

I have no idea where this came from...but I read it on a blog I follow called http://www.shewokeupfat.blogspot.com/.

I love it. I kind of rewrote it. Anyone that has gained weight should know how this feels...

"How does one become healthy?" "You must want it so much that you are willing to give up being overweight."

It makes sense to me in that way because sometimes being overweight is so much more comfortable than what I really want which is to be a thin, healthy HOTT mama. It is comfortable to NOT work out. It is easier that way. No matter how I feel about myself the facts are that it is easier to be lazy. It is easier to be overweight and not do anything about it. I have been demonstrating that this week. And I really want to be a healthy butterfly. Not a frumpy unhappy caterpillar.

That is all. Love to you!

Things I love...and Some I don't!

2010-05-11T21:44:00.000-07:00

Things that I hate about having gained around 70lbs....

The feeling of longing I get when I see my skinny pictures...

Packing away cute clothes that I love to wear...

Never feeling beautiful...

Blobby loose skin...yuck...

Two words...stretch marks...

When I hear...'Wow I didn't realize how skinny you were!'

How is the baby? (eyes scanning my body the whole time...)

Weird boobs....

Jiggly booty...

Back pain...

how I always feel like complaining about being fat...and yet rarely feel like doing anything about it...

Things that I love about losing weight...

How when I put my hands on my hips each time I swear I can feel more definition...

The feeling I get when I can once again wear something I haven't been able to wear for over a year before I got pregnant...(there are about 3 tubs of clothes waiting for me still!)

I feeling of confidence that I get every time I step on that scale and it shows me good results...

Knowing that I set small attainable goals for myself and REACHED them...

That I am not a lone...there are many of us out there fighting the good fight against our larger selves...

When someone notices all my hard work and says "man! you have lost weight!"...

I burst of energy I get after working our and eating right...

ahhhhh that feels better. The benefits are way better than the crappity crap crap I find to complain about.

mOtHeR....♥

2010-05-10T14:06:00.000-07:00

I am a mother. I am a mother of the most happy, beautiful little boy in the entire world. (and to one sassy cat Megan, and the loveable yuckmouth Delilah)

I never realized how much I love saying that until yesterday. My first official 'Mother's Day'.

I also never understood my mother's love for me and have wanted to celebrate it soooo much until yesterday. Most of you know that I was adopted, and I have been thinking a lot about adoption and what it means lately and how my mother feels about me and how I feel about her. Because the way I feel about Oliver...is exactly the same way my mother feels about me. And she did not carry me for 9 months she did not go through crazy horrifying hours of labor...she did however have the desire to have a child and love it and do all of the motherly things. She went through years of praying and hoping for a phone call...interviews that consisted of VERY personal questions and backround checks and my oh my the list of things she went through is long...and then walaaah! Here I am! (well me and my four other siblings♥) It just amazes me what she went through to have us all and what a great job she did of raising us to be good thoughtful, kind human beings and man. I am a huge cornball right now eh? But really I am just lucky to have had such a wonderful Mother. She taught me a ton about the kind of mother I want to become.

It is just amazing to think of the love capacity we all have. When I met Billy I thought my love capacity was filled up. Done for. I love him so much I was sure I had no more room. Then Oliver came and it grew and now I love them both so much and I swear I have no more room...(and I am sure the story will go on until our little family is complete with it's last little member...)

I had the best day yesterday. My boys got me a Lowe's gift card and I finally got to complete my flower bed.

Here is the before:

Here is the after:

We had so much fun gardening and cleaning our porch. It was so nice and relaxing. Then we went to the strip and had dinner at this extremely yummy cheeseburger place and checked out City Center. And it got me thinking even more about Mothers. When I was younger I swore I would never have children and I would NEVER EVER get married. And here I am 23 yrs old mother and wife and loving every second of it. I love making my home a cozy little haven for my boys. I love giving Oliver baths and reading to him and watching him grow (way to fast for my liking) and I love that no matter what happens in my life, with my job...if I do or do not go to school there are two people (again I forgot also a sassy cat Megan and the loveable yuckmouth Delilah) that depend on me for a lot of stuff. Not just clean socks and underwear either! hehee.

It is just funny how times change. Speaking of which the Cheeseburger place we went brought back a memory. Billy took me there on our first 'REAL' date...

A lot more than just my hair has changed since then! That was about...3yrs ago. I was falling in love there. And now look at me. ♥

There is one more adorable face to add to our date nights!

♥ ahhh. Well. Here's to all the mom's out there and the realization that I am one of them and LOVING every minute of it.

♥Go forth with love.♥

Fun Weekend...

2010-05-10T10:59:00.000-07:00

Well! I had the best Mother's Day ever! And boy oh boy am I going to be paying for it all week long

Bikram Yoga and other things...

2010-05-06T11:30:00.001-07:00

So I had a little experience this week and before time goes by and I don't remember everything I wanted to say about it I thought I better blog quick on my break. Here's a hint...

I decided to give Bikram Yoga a go. Those that do not know what it is...Wikipidia says...."Bikram's Beginning Yoga Class runs approximately 90 minutes, incorporates a series of 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises, and is ideally practiced in a room heated to 105°F with a humidity of 40%."

Now if you are thinking I am insane I had a few logical reasons to put myself through this...

* There are a few people at work that love it! They rave about it...
*At the studio I went to they swear it is perfect for those that have never done Yoga and want to start...
*When I did the research online it said there are countless health reasons that it is good for you...body cleansing, blood pressure, flexibility, back problems, weight loss...the list goes on and on....
*There is a studio literally a block away from my house...
*The studio a block from my house is running a special $20 for 7 consecutive days
*I have always wanted to start doing yoga (yoga ladies have the hottest bodies and I am sure that all that flexibility doesn't hurt in the sack...I'm just sayin)
*I desperately need something in my life that I do by myself just for me my life consists of two things and two things only...Work (which I like but stresses me out quite often) and my lil Family (which I love but I can't be a caretaker 24-7)

So...with all these reasons why not right? Right. I went.

The first night my only goal was to stay in the room. And that is the advice I got from everyone I talked to. 'Just stay in the room the full 90 minutes'. So I did. I was very proud of myself. I felt dizzy and sick and I have never been covered by that much sweat EVER...But I did it. I completed a goal FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE! I didn't complete a single posture but...I stayed in the room! I am all about the small goals leading to big ones. I was going to set a goal for each class my ultimate goal to at least be finishing 7 days in a row.

After the first night I felt great...I love the idea of the 'Yoga' life style. They seem so secure in their bodies, they seem close to nature...they put 'namaste' at the end of everything....they are fit...they seem happy...they have plenty of time to meditate...and like I said that extra flexibility couldn't be hurtin' their sex lives...(sorry if that is TMI for you...hehehe) so I was excited at the prospect that if I could really wrap myself around this Bikram Yoga thing then I could have that peace, that physical fitness that I so want...among other things.

Then the 2nd night. My goal was to do one set of each posture. DID NOT WORK OUT. I was miserable the entire time. I was so out of my element. I think I probably pushed myself too hard and that is why I got so sick...I was throwing up for what seemed like forever and then I was expected to go back into the room. The entire time I was there I could not think of one thing I enjoyed other than learning the different yoga positions...I just hated it. None of those good feelings I had the night before were coming back to me. I was having a small panic attack in the bathroom after having completed 75 minutes and then yacking my brains out and knowing I was supposed to go back into that hell hole and finish... and I realized. It just isn't for me. Cut my losses and move on.

I think I am going to find a regular Yoga class though and do that. I just can't do the Bikram thing. I went through so many emotions afterward... I felt like a failure! I really wanted to do the 7 days but I am not going to be completely utterly miserable to complete 7 days of something I knew after only the second night I would never do again. It just didn't seem right.

So that was my experience. I think it is awesome the whole 'mind over body' thing but I am not good at it. I work out as best I can but I never want to do anything to make myself sick ever again. I just won't. It's not worth it to me. More power to those that do Bikram Yoga I just don't think it is for me. And hey! At least I was willing to give something new a try. I think that is a good thing.

I am still looking for that one thing for me to just get away and decompress...I know I will come up with something. I almost don't want it to have to do with working out though because I put enough pressure on myself for that anyways ya know? I want my THING to be fun...cheap and peaceful. So I will see....

I am really starting to love blogging and the feelings I get after putting my thoughts out into the universe. So much so that you can expect some GREAT BIG things from me blog-wise coming soon. Right now I am just learning as much as I can about the technical aspects of it and then I will unveil my master plans! MWA-AH-AH!

Bikram Yoga and other things...

2010-05-06T11:30:00.000-07:00

The proof is in the PJ's...

2010-05-02T15:28:00.002-07:00

I know I know...this is not my weigh in day. Well I just weighed myself and I am pleased with the results!

191lbs!

That's right folks...I weigh less than Billy! I lost 4lbs since my last weigh in! And I also felt so good that I have taken some pictures to show my progress! It has been a while since I have taken any pics. I looked pregnant in my last ones. see...

Granted that was about 8 weeks after I had Ollie. Ok I just have to say one thing about these pics below. My first instinct was to pull my shorts up to hide that there muffin top. I didn't feel like that would be me being too honest with myself though. So here is me...25lbs down and 50lbs to go. ♥

I think that the thing that feels the best about this is that when I was getting my bag ready for our big trip to the hospital (I had it ready about a month in advance...hehehe yeah we are THOSE parents) anyways...getting 'THE BAG' ready to have Oliver and I went and bought myself these beautiful red polka dot silk PJ's. I got the largest size thinking "oOoOoOo these will be so roomy and comfy when we are in the hospital after I have the baby..."

Well I couldn't even get them on. I was so bummed in the hospital and I have tried these stupid PJ's on three or four more times since then. Well I put them on today and....

TA DA!

The proof of my progress is in the PJ's.

Love to you! ♥

The proof is in the PJ's...

2010-05-02T15:28:00.001-07:00

I know I know...this is not my weigh in day. Well I just weighed myself and I am pleased with the results!

191lbs!

Well I couldn't even get them on. I was so bummed in the hospital and I have tried these stupid PJ's on three or four more times since then. Well I put them on today and....

TA DA!

The proof of my progress is in the PJ's.

Love to you! ♥

Gloria IS BACK!

2010-04-28T11:40:00.001-07:00

dun dun dun!!!! (dramatic organ sounds...)

Gloria is back!

hehehe. Ok so when I was younger and used to drink way more than was good for anyone...I gave myself an alternate persona. Because I noticed when I was drunk I became a different kind of person. I was louder...I cried a lot...I was mean sometimes. So I started calling myself Gloria while I was intoxicated. (I know funny and kind of sad at the same time...)

Ok so I am not proud of it but when I started doing that it somehow made me more conscious of the fact that I was acting in a way that I didn't like. I did not like 'Gloria' so I decided to see less and less of her and now me and this Gloria person are basically strangers. Well I decided to bring Gloria back and now let me tell you she has a whole new set of problems....

This is relevant to my weightloss I just figured it out. I was just in the kitchen at work and all these goodies were out tempting me to indulge and I was thinking "NO NO do not eat them." And then everytime I walked past them there was another voice...a voice saying "eat them they are so delicious." And I was thinking...does the indulgent fat side of me want this or do 'I' really want this. And the answer is that NO! 'I' really do not want those yummy delicious goodies because they make me just a little bit too booty-licious and make me sad and mopey when I don't hit my weight loss goals.

Am I making any sense? So I have decided to bring Gloria back into my life. Not that I am going to go on a drinking bender or anything I just want to keep myself in check. Now when I want to be lazy or indulgent or sneak a bit here or there I can just ask myself...

...Is it Gloria that wants to do that...or do I really deserve a treat?

Now you may be thinking...Chelsee you have lost it. Not only do you have really bad self esteem issues...but now you have a multiple personality disorder! But I think it is just one more tool that I can use to convince myself to just do it! To just eat right and work out and reach all of my goals.

Who knows. Maybe the bitch Gloria will help me to get er' done!

Gloria IS BACK!

2010-04-28T11:40:00.000-07:00

Permission to Dream

2010-04-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

This is the dream that I have for ♥The Scherz Family♥....

Our home...

We are going to live in Michigan...where there are 4 seasons...we will have a small cottage style home with hard wood floors...colorful walls...a kitchen that always smells like apple pie and has white cabinetry. There will be a flower bed and I will paint our shutters red. There will be a detached garage and grass and a front porch for me to read books on and relax. We will have a claw foot tub and lots of fun colorful knick knacks we have collected over the years.

I also like to call the kind of house we will live in...ChRiStMaS hOuSeS....♥

Our family...

We will wait about 5 years and adopt another child. Hopefully a girl but I am not too picky. We plan on having 2 kids. It is a little scary to think of having another child. 5 years seems so far away and yet so close at the same time. I really do not want to have another child until I can for sure stay home and care for both of them.

Our careers/jobs...

Eventually Billy will realize how brilliant he is and want to own his own Locksmith business. He is very honest and a hard worker so it will work out well for us. He will get to a point where he can spend some time on his photography and really start to enjoy it again. Eventually we will get to a point where I can stay home and go to school part time while we raise our kids. I will get a degree in Social Work/Counseling and be a social worker for a number of years before settling in as a counselor at a high school.

Our vacations/Honey Moon/ travel...

Billy and I never went on a real Honey Moon...we are going to take a week and drive down the entire coast of California, stopping to see all the sights...playing on the beaches...we will see the red woods and San Fransisco and have a great road trip! Other places we will visit are:

We will take a Carribean Cruise... We will go to Easter Island...We will go to Hawaii...

We will visit Ireland...We will visit Paris...We will get to see Chicago during every season.

So that is our life. I really believe that if I can dream it we can acheive it. I believe that if we believe in it enough all of our dreams will come true. yep yep yep. This corn ball is gonna go for a walk now. ♥

♫...LiFe...♪

2010-04-26T09:58:00.000-07:00

Well. It is Monday. I did not start the Alli weightloss aid pill yet. I am starting it today. I thought we would go shopping early on Saturday so I could be totally healthy but we didn't go until late that day...so I pushed it to today.

ahhh....I love my Monday's with Oliver. And I am so lucky I get a five day weekend with Oliver this week! I work Tuesday and Wednesday and then we don't have babysitters for Thursday or Friday so I am staying home with Ollie! ♥ YAY! ♥ I am very excited about it. I can't even tell you how badly I wish every week was like that! Maybe one day though...maybe if Billy gets a raise one day soon I can go to working just 2 days a week. I really want to make the most of my time off though because who knows when I will have 5 consecutive days off again. Speaking of my Oliver. He is getting so big! Here are some updates...

He is eating baby food now. Which is just so much fun for us! I love watching his reaction to all the flavors and textures. And he gets so messy! That is taking some getting used to because I am totally that mom that wants everything neat and clean. (we will see how long that will last..boys are so messy.)

He is also very rambunctious these days. (I have no idea how to spell that word) He laughs and giggles and plays and gets mad at us. I just love it. He is not close to crawling at all though. He doesn't even try. He hates being on his belly. I just can't believe he is almost 6months. crazy.

I think that he just started teething(for real) last night. He was very sad and we gave him some baby orajel and for the first time it worked to calm him down. So we will see how he does with that can of worms! AAACK!

Here are some pictures of our cute boy! ♥

He just melts my heart. I love him. I can't wait to see more of his personality as he gets older. He is till our mellow boy though even with the teething and rambunctiousness.

As for weightloss. Hmmm is all that I can really say. I plan on going for a walk with Ollie today. I think we will do my elliptical today too instead of the Your Shape game. I did that one yesterday and the day before. I have a lot of motivation to lose this last 10lbs before June. That will keep me on target. Let's see...we are going to Michigan in June...I want to have some clear progress by that time. I don't want to be Billy's fat wife that couldn't lose the baby weight ya know? geez that sounds so bad but that is really how my mind works. It is strange too because I don't judge others as harshly as I judge myself. We are also going to have family pictures done sometime soon. We only had Oliver's pics done last time. So I want to at least look ok if I have to stare at these pics until we get new ones done next year. I also bought some size 12 pants that I am excited to wear a long with all the other clothes I could wear before I got pregnant. I really want to fit into cute clothes. It will be so nice when I can get dressed up to go somewhere and feel cute! I miss that feeling. Now I just feel...yucky.

Anywho enough of that. I added a new section to the right of my blog. It is about books I am reading. I am finding more and more that I am only interested in reading books that I feel that teach me something interesting or how to make my life better...more fulfilled. So check that section our every once in a while since it will change. Also as soon as I am done with this posting I am going to do a special posting all about DrEaMs...something anyone that knows me knows I like to do a lot of! ♥

Well that is that....I will come back soon and blog some more! ♥

I Am Lazy Smurf

2010-04-23T11:03:00.000-07:00

Ok. We have all heard this song from me before. So I will spare you the wining about how lazy I have been. I have been this:

For the last couple of weeks. The results are that I have gained 1lb. I am at 196lbs. And have lost no weight.

So. I am getting back into it. Although I did enjoy all my relaxation I deserve the body of my dreams and I am going to acheive it damn it!

I haven't blogged in a while...I had a sick baby...which let me tell you is about the worst thing in the world. His poor lil self was sooo out of it all weekend and monday and tuesday too. It broke my heart! His face was so blank and all he wanted to do was sleep and cuddle. Poor lil guy. He is much better now! Smiling and laughing and brightening our lives every day.

I think also that I have spring fever! I am loving the weather lately! I have been leaving the doors at our house open and smelling the air over and over again. I hope summer never comes! I just love love love spring time! Billy told me that in Michigan they have weather like that until around July or so. JEALOUS! One day we will live there though and I will get four whole seasons!!!!!! WINTER SPRING SUMMER & FALL! Imagine that! One cool thing about our weather though is that the last couple of days out of no where it was chilly and it rained! And a friend from work and I ran in the rain. Rain just brings so much joy into my life. I love the smell the sound the way the sky looks...just everything! So it was like a little bonus!

So anyways as for my weight loss I have a couple of new weapons of fat destruction in my arsenal. mwa-ah-ah!

A while back I bought the Alli starter kit. Starting on Saturday I am going to start taking that. I have gotten very good with my diet so I trust myself. And Billy and I bought a wii which is so much fun and totally gives at least my arms a work out! Billy bought me a work out game for it. It is the 'Your Shape' work out by Jenny McCarthy. I have only done it twice but I like it so far. It has a camera attached so that you can see what you look like doing the work outs and make sure you are doing it right. Something I struggle a lot with since I am about as coordinated as a cow. ♥

Other things I have always had are....

I still have my elliptical, Billy actually enjoys going for walks with me when he is not on call and the weather is beautiful so we can go for hikes and walks in the mountains and around the neighborhood. I also have the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred video that I have yet to complete more than 3 days in a row. I have a balance ball and weights and geez. I have everything I need to get into shape...now I just need to make the commitment to at least 3-5 work outs a week and follow through with it! So that is that.

I really want to start blogging more about all the things in my life. Weight loss is all well and good but there is more than that going on...my cute little family is thriving and I am so grateful for them. So look for more updates on family and personal stuff instead of just my weightloss journey. All of that impacts my weight/self esteem anyways. ♥

Well this has been an all of ther place blog entry LOL! I will be back soon! ♥

Kids Define "Love"

2010-04-14T20:08:00.000-07:00

Kids Define "Love"

This is so so cute!

Lovely

2010-04-14T11:33:00.000-07:00

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.
-Victor Hugo

Hit the Snooze-BLEGH

2010-04-14T11:23:00.000-07:00

I cannot wake up early. I know I need to and I just can't! This is me...

Having lovely dreams and then just turning the stupid thing off and then I fall back to sleep before I even realize what I am doing! It is so frusterating. I know that waking up at 4:30am is the only way I am going to get through this 30 day shred. I have too much taking care of the family stuff to do in the evenings and by the time I am done it is too late! I am pooped and say ahhhhh forget it. But at 4:30am there is nothing else I should be doing except for sleeping...there is nothing else weighing on my mind that I should be doing at that time... (cuddling my cute baby....cooking dinner...balancing budgets...keeping track of bills and mail...cuddling my cute husband...organizing laundry...cleaning cat boxes...washing dishes/sanatizing bottles...ugh the list goes on....)

So I am looking for ideas on how to get my butt out of bed! I set my phone alarms. There are 3 of them! And yet I can go through all three turning them off with out even realizing it until and hour and a half later when Billy is kicking me out of bed.

ideas?

Moderation is the key/ Weigh In

2010-04-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

Well let's just scrap all of last week!

I was bad. I think that I was celebrating being down a solid 20lbs and being on track for my 30lbs by June. I am not really sure. All I know is I indulged one time and it was so hard to go back to being good. And I was so painfully lazy too! UGH! I know I preach about the 80/20 rule but I am not good at it myself. At first I was but these days I either need all or nothin...no nibbles here and there. Healthy or no. And then maybe eventually I can get into having like sat and sunday being my official cheat days once I get like a month of goodness in me.

I am determined to get back on track! Weigh in was today. I am down one pound. So I weigh 195lbs. I went and bought new pants for work finally. I have gone from a size 18 to a size 14. WOOT WOOT! That was very motivating because I did stare longingly at a size 10 for a minute thinking about when I felt huge wearing that size instead of an 8.

So that is what is going on with me. Mostly just busy trying to keep my little family organized...on a budget...and happy! I still have yet to get into a really good workout routine. I am not sure what it is going to take for that. My goal right now is to do my Jillian Michael's 30 day shred for 30 days in a row. Imagine that concept! I have done it one day so far! hehehe...hopefully I find no excuses tonight. I definetly need it.

Well...I will leave you now! Gotta go get my cutie patootie baby food eatin' Oliver!

Oliver Update...

2010-04-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

Make your own free digital scrapbooking design

It has to be said.

2010-04-08T16:04:00.001-07:00

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point- that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative- self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. -- Jennifer James

Weekly Weigh In

2010-04-08T12:26:00.000-07:00

Well I weighed myself on Tuesday morning! I think that I am going to have to move my weigh in date to Tuesdays because I keep peeking at it that day anyways. So Tuesdays from now on.

Tuesday Morning I weighed.......196lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UNDER 200lbs! You have no idea how FANTASTIC that feels! I cried for days when I was pregnant and got above 200lbs! I am really close to weighing less than Billy too! He weighs 195lbs! WOOT WOOT!

I HAVE LOST 20lbs since January! WOOOOOHOOOOO!

The crazy thing is that I know I have more! I know that if I really apply myself I can lose all this weight faster than I am giving myself. I still do not work out every day. I do my best to do something...play wii...walk...do my elliptical. I am in really good eating habits too though. I know that is helping. Just imagine if I started working out twice a day every day! CRAZY!

On the other hand though I am not so sure that 6lbs in one week is a healthy amount to lose? Maybe I have been eating way less than I thouhg. Either way it is cause for celebration. I am just 10lbs away from my June goal (to lose 30lbs by June 31st) and 50lbs away from my December 31st goal (to lose 70lbs)!

SO YAY FOR ME! =)

heavy thoughts is all...

2010-04-02T07:46:00.000-07:00

I am struggling so much with having gained all of this weight. It effects me in every single area of my life. I don't know how to love myself fully and be...like this. I look at pictures of me now and pictures of me from just a year and a half ago and it makes me so sad. I don't even look like the same person. I know that it takes time...I know that I am doing what I can...(being 100% embarrassingly honest...I know I could be doing more too and I just don't know why I don't....)and I also know that a change as drastic as the one that I want can't happen over night. It is just hard.

the emotional effects are so surprising to me. I hate the looks I get from skinny people when I bring up my weight. I try not to talk about it all the time and they just give me this look like 'you are fat. period. do something about it.' like it is that easy. Or they just constantly check me out to see if I have lost the weight yet. It makes me want to stay inside my house all day every day and never come out until I look the way I used to.

I think that I rely too much on others reactions to figure out what I think of myself. I can go all day having built myself up in the morning thinking I look nice and cute and I did a great job dressing myself and on my hair and make up....then one person's look or comments can just topple all of that work to make myself feel good. And no one is mean to me. It is not like I have people telling me what a nasty fat ass I am...it is just their silence or when they say man you look tired (when i think I look awesome) or when they say things like 'My friend...she's even bigger than you are chelsee...' or when they attempt to push their own weight loss techniques on me and think if I am not a super gym freak then I have no reason to feel bad about my weight.

It just hurts being like this. And I know that it is all in my head. I know that it is all my own BS. It is really effecting me at work. I have no confidence what so ever in my work...in my skills...in my appearance. I am letting jealousy and coveting what other poeple have or look like absolutely RULE my existence. It is making me miserable. I hate it. It seems like just when I am in a good place I see a recent picture of myself and get pushed back to perspective of how big I am...or I will see someone that is losing weight faster than me with less effort...or I will see someone getting more attention than me..more recognition then me and think it is because of how they look or flirt with those in charge. UGH! It is a poison in my life and I want it gone. I want to like who I am and have confidence in myself and my abilities regardless of how I dress or look. It is very hard at work though being surrounded by so many skinny beautiful women. I want to WANT to go out and see people and do things and instead I want to curl up in a ball and not be around anyone because I get crazy anxiety getting dressed or knowing I am going to see someone that knew me when I was skinny. I want to throw on some sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt and hibernate until I get skinny.

Ugh. All of these weird feelings just hurt is all and I am totally doing it to myself. Other people can't help that they are pretty or skinny or better than me at stuff. I get to just learn how to love myself for who I am...fat skinny or inbetween. I just am not sure how to do it when most of the time the bad feelings are so much stronger than the good ones. Man this weight thing which as you can see is really just a self esteem thing seems like a huge hurdle. It is making me mentally unstable I think.

I guess I just need to keep on truckin. So if you have ever felt like you are sabotaging your own life or like you have poisonous thoughts stuck in your veins...I understand! I totally understand.

At least I feel better now after getting all the weird stuff out in words. kind of. lol. I am just going to keep working out and keep eating well and eventually I know it will pay off. No one said this journey would be easy.

Success

2010-03-31T13:18:00.000-07:00

I am so excited! I weighed myself this morning and I have lost.....

dRuM rOlL pLeAsE.....

4lbs!

I am so glad I did well last week. Now I just need to keep these successes rolling and I will reach my goal weight in no time! I will blog more later...I only had a quick sec to tell you my news!

Weeks Plan

2010-03-29T21:12:00.000-07:00

So my plan for this week is simple!

Elliptical 3days this week. -Monday -Wednesday -Friday....about 30min each day.

Consume no more than 1200-1400cal each day.

Walk with my mom every day. (short walk tomorrow my long workday and long walk the rest of the week)

Play Wii as much as possible! ♥

Billy and I got a Wii finally! I have been wanting one forever. It is great fun and while I really don't care if it boosts my weight loss I think that it might. It totally gets your heart going and my arms are already sore from boxing LOL! Hopefully it will yield some results but I am not going to depend on it. We are considering getting a Wii Fit board but I just don't know if I want to. That is a lot of money to spend on something just to help me lose weight. I got my elliptical for my birthday and I will be honest I barely use it. I always find excuses not to. I have no problem walking every day but climbing on that thing is hard then I thought! That is why my goal this week is three days a week. It seems less daunting. I won't have a lot of guilt associated with the machine if I only PLAN on using it 3 days. And I am walking with my mom or by myself every day so really it is a good plan I think.

So that is that. I am terrified to weigh myself this week. I think I have done ok but I guess we'll just have to see.

Oh and I also bought the Alli starter set. I am not using it yet though. It was on sale...a really good sale and I just couldn't pass it up. I am no good with being on very specific diets because I am going to eat what I want no matter what. So...I am hesitant. I need to read the pamphlets through and through and see if the way I eat will work and if it does then hey...why not? But that is a while off. Prob about two weeks if I do it.

I am gonna go climb on my elliptical now. getting rid of my baby weight one tiny goal at a time.

☺

WiShEs oN eYeLaShEs...

2010-03-25T15:33:00.000-07:00

"It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan." Eleanor Roosevelt

CRAP.

2010-03-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

oh my oh my.

Depressing. Get ready. I cheated on Sunday and snuck a little peak at the ol' scale before my official weigh in day tomorrow. Guess what? I have gained weight!!!!!! I was sooo sure that I had lost soooooo much weight the last week. I was so proud that even though I had been sick two weeks straight and feeling crummy I was still vigilant about eating well. I ate so good. Healthy...smaller portions.

I weigh 205lbs. I gained 3lbs since last week. I know it is not the end of the world. And if anything it really just encourages me to work even harder now that I can work out and eat better. I literally could not work out the last couple of weeks. When I did work out it just put me over the edge and halted any getting betterness I was doing. =(

There is a part of me that upon learning this news was like. Shit. I give up. Life hates me. But luckily I hate my body. I hate seeing myself in pictures and I loath being around people with my new body. I don't feel like me anymore. And I want me back. I know that if I can just stick with this crazy goal of mine and really do it even just get on the right track and start getting results I will feel better. I know it becuase I felt GREAT when I was losing good weight in January. I want that back! Fatty that is what I am and I am tired of it. I don't even care who gets mad for me calling myself that. I am not a skinny. that is for sure. So Fatty it is. FOR NOW.

Oh and today? Well you can just put TODAY in the trash can. I ate like shit. I ate all kinds of shit actually. It was potluck day at work and I just went to town. I also had starbucks this morning and a pumpkin loaf. It was insane. I had a little procedure done on my toes so I can't really work out today BUT tomorrow IT IS ON! I am going to literally work my ass off. CARDIO CARDIO CARDIO. And then see where that gets me. As well as eating well. At least I am in the habit now whether it worked or not of eating better healthier smaller portions. (today is an exception and believe me I am paying for it.) I am sick of TALKING about getting into a good routine...I am just ready to get into one. I know that is what I need to do to get results. I know I need to get results to feel better and I know I need to feel better to take this thing all the way to 70lbs.

So yes. Today. Crap.

Tomorrow. A NEW DAY.

wEeKeNd ♥ gOaLs

2010-03-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

I love the weekends. It is so nice hanging around doing nothing! ahhhhh I LOVE IT! I am still sick. Blegh. I wish it would just go away. I have been much more active this week than last though which is good. At a cost though. I am exhausted.

I am looking forward to feeling better. That is for sure. Emotionally I have been doing a lot of healing. Like I said in my last post I know that it is completely up to me how happy I am and I am choosing to be happy. No matter what is going on or bugging me. As far as weight loss I plan on at least going for a walk and doing my elliptical 20-30 minutes every day on my nice 3 day weekend. I have been eating very well. My goal each day for calorie intake is between 1200-1400 calories a day and I have barely been reaching 1200 a day all week. Hopefully on weigh in day I can catch up. I still really want to reach my goal of 30lbs by June and believe me if I lose more than that it will not hurt my feelings.

Soooooooooooooooooooo....it has been a while since I have done a recap on my goals. Here they are.

When I started in January I was 215lbs. The Last time I weighed myself I weighed 202lbs. (I hoped that I would have lost some poundage being sick the last week and I didn't.)

My goal weight is 145lbs.

To reach that goal I get to lose 70lbs. I have lost 13lbs so far and have 57lbs still to go! Woot woot for goals!

I split my 70lbs goal into two parts. 30lbs by the end of June and 40lbs by December. (I left 40 for December because by then I will be in better shape.)

I have 17lbs left to lost by the end of June!

So there is the break down. I think it is time for a nap right about now....I am not feeling so well!

Happy on the InSiDe....♥

2010-03-15T15:05:00.000-07:00

Well. After a lot of venting, wining and generally feeling like crap. I got sick. Imagine that. ( I believe my friend DreAnn has been telling me health follows thought or some such thing forever now..) I have been sick since Thursday so let's just not even discuss working out. It hasn't been happening. Period. I may have lost weight though because I haven't had much of an appetite.

I have however (when I am not sleeping) been thinking a lot about what is bothering me. What is really bothering me. I started to get worried that maybe I am suffering from post partum depression. I just haven't been able to get happy. It used to be so easy for me. I was always happy I generally liked everyone. And then pregnancy and birth and hormones...and you get the picture. bitchiness has taken over...which has caused guilt...guilt like I am sure some have never seen. It is amazing how bad I can make myself feel. Other things that have been eating at me are...I am unhappy with my body...I am not sure what is going on with me at work. I never worried too much about it and now that I have Oliver to provide for every little thing just stresses me out.

Anyways all this is going on and really I just feel like I should be happy. I am doing what I can to improve my body. Billy and I are taking steps to improve our finances so honestly that area can't stress me too much because I am working on it. I have the best baby ever. He is so calm and sweet. And Billy and I have never been closer. My family and I have never been closer. I have a great job. It pays well. I like most of the people I work with. They promote a positive environment. Yet knowing all of this, constantly reminding myself of all of this...I can't seem to just breathe in and out...and be happy.

Instead I am mean...I cry a lot over nothing much at all...and I am carrying around guilt like ugh.

Then today. ahhhh glorious today. I woke up. Still sick. I went to UMC quick care to nip this cold right in the butt before going back to work tomorrow. I went to CVS after to fill my prescriptions and bought a magazine called 'Self'. Got medicated...took as long a nap as Oliver would let me and then started flipping through 'Self' magazine. It is great. It has everything I want to read and none of the things I am not interested in. I think I have found my new magazine for my life. Let's face it I am not leading the life of a 'Cosmopolitan' single-sexcapades-fun-n-flirty kind of girl anymore. This magazine has just what I need. Literally. There is in article in this month's issue called 'Find The Happy In Every Day'. It is basically an excerpt from a book that the editor of the magazine recently wrote called ' The Nine Rooms of Happiness'. It is a great article and kind of long so I am only going to mention what really caught me and what I think will help me in the future.

*She mentioned how emotional health is like your body's health. It is something that needs to be worked on and cultivated and you need to get emotionally healthy sometimes just like you need to get body healthy.

(What an IDEA!)

*She likens all of our different troubles and problems to different rooms in a hypathetical house. She talks about how we carry around our different troubles that really belong only in one room to a bunch of different rooms.

(for example the bathroom of our house is where all body image emotions should stay..however I carry this around with me like it's glued to my hip and let it infect and dirty all the other areas of my house (or life.))

*She listed 9 'Happiness Helpers' I am not going to list the strategy just the keys...

1. You can't live in the past. Now is it.

2.Be authentic; Be true to you.

3. You can change only yourself.

4.We don't complete each other. We overlap.

5. It's not all about you.

6.Conflict can be ok.

7.Actions speak louder than words. -this one was my favorite. It says: "When you can't express yourself, you tend to misbehave in passive but noticeable ways..." I totally have been doing this.

8.Know your limits. Be strong to help others.

9. Go (with the status quo) or grow.

I am not sure if you are getting why this helped me and I really only blogged it because reading this article has been like a light on in my head. I am so ready to take control of my own life. I really get to decide to be happy. No one else can do it for me. I am sick of hearing myself whine on and on about all that is 'wrong' or bothering me.

"If you haven't the strength to impose your own terms on life, you must accept the terms it offers you." TS Elliott

Here is the link to the article that changed my life so you can view it online. I hope it can help you how it has helped me.

http://www.self.com/health/2010/03/nine-happiness-helpers

general ranting and such

2010-03-12T11:03:00.000-08:00

Geez. I sure wish people would keep their eyes to themselves. I have had the oppurtunity to see a few people that haven't seen me since I was pregnant (or some before I was preggo) and they always ask the same questions. You know how it goes...how are you doing? how is the baby...? And I glow and smile and tell them how much I love him...what a great baby he is. Then this question comes. How old is he now? I smile and say "4 months. I can't believe how time is just flying by. hahaha...." And then it happens. everyone does it. Their eyes scan up and down my body to check in and see how I have changed since having a child. Usually their eyes stop for a moment right at my midsection checking to see how much weight I have left to lose. And the reason I know this is what they are doing is becuase I used to do it. I still do it actually. I have just become a little more sneeky about it. It just sucks. I don't want people eyeing me like that. I know I don't look that great right now. Do they have to make that discovery standing right in front of me?

The good thing is that I am doing something about it. I am well on my way to losing this weight it just sucks. I will admit I want instant gratification. Being over weight and SOOOO much heavier than I used to be is sucking the life right out of me. I hate the looks I get all the time now. The skinny girls at work that complain they want to 'tone up' or lose 2lbs won't even listen to me anymore when I talk about the 70lbs I want to lose. The looks they give me are aweful too. It's like hello a little support please? I know it is going to be a while before people are like wow Chelsee you have a lost a lot of weight but really? Do they have to get quiet and give me pitiful looks when I talk about how I am doing? I don't even bring it up anymore. And when it is brought up in front of me people just get quiet and change the subject. Ugh.

Can I just say I am sick of girls in general? They suck. I have never had the pleasure of having one really good friend that is a girl unless you count my sister in law who lives far away now and we never really get to talk. Man I am going through some crazy mind shit right now and I feel completely alone. I feel like no one wants to listen to me. Even though I listen to them all the time with any kind of problems they have and try to cheer them up best that I can when they are sad. I need to quite expecting people to care about me when I am not happy. When I am not having any problems poeple are everywhere for me. But as soon as I become a sad-crap-bag where is everyone? Where do they go? I get that no one wants to be around someone that is being negative but holy cow. It just makes me feel worse ya know? When I am sad I guess I need to just rely on myself for cheer. For strength and advice. Other people never seem to have the energy or care to listen to me anymore.

Man I am a downer. Sorry. I just needed to rant a little bit today. I am not eating emotionally anymore and so I have no outlet for all these feelings flying around my brain anymore. ugh.

On a positive note....I have been eating well. Very good in fact. Yesterday I was sick so I barely ate anything at all but what I did eat was full of vitamins and goodness. I feel like it set me on the right track for today. I am feeling a little ill still but over all ok. I just need to get through work with out having a break down and then go to my happy place at home with my boys. ♥